"If your mates are not around, and you need them when you're down, you gotta hang on, it's still a lovely day."

It’s been a while since the last time I actually wrote something about myself. Blogging used to be a big part of my life and it’s one of the things I regret ever leaving. I always tried to get back on track but it just never seemed to work somehow.

This may sound super cocky, but I like the way I write. After seeing how some people are with words (side-eyeing them as we speak) I realized I am blessed with the way I write more than some people. Which is good. Because otherwise I suck, and I don’t want to suck.

I don’t even know what gets me to be able to even feel that way, as I am usually a person with a low confidence and a piling up insecurities, yet now I realized how I am blessed with writing. I am no Shakespeare, but I rarely ever feel good about something about myself, therefore when I say that I like how my words flow when I write, I really do mean it.

This post sounds like a boasting-post more and more which each word.

Should I update this blog about it with what I do at the moment?
I don’t even know if there’s anyone that ever comes here anymore, or even know that this site exists. But hey, what’s the harm of updating a little bit here and there, yeah?

After ditching computer science completely, I went on to pursue my career in translating a little bit more seriously. I did snatch some gigs here and there, and they were amazing, but this is Indonesia, anyone with no college degree will be treated like shit no matter how good they are (I hope you guys are not offended, as I was also talking about myself with this). So my mom forced me to go back to college, this time finally to study something that I actually take a huge interest of, English.

But then, my luck is truly one of the best, as I got hired just in less than a month after I started my college. I was taken in by Wall Street English as one of their Part-Time Personal Tutor (part time because once again, no degree), and I was honestly extremely happy with this. I used to study in Wall Street so I know how good the place is, and I had no idea that one day I’d be working there as well. I took evening classes for business in my college, but, just my luck, Wall Street expected me to be there during evening - night, so I had to move to the morning class instead.

Just after 2-3 weeks of doing the morning classes, I got another call, from a big-name start-up, HappyFresh. They hired me to become their Translator. Which is amazing, once again. I managed to snatch 2 jobs, doing things that I love, in 2 well-known companies. How cool is that, huh? So I decided to ditch my education completely and work on two jobs instead.

Working for 2 jobs feels amazing. I feel tired and stressed and I feel like crying when I realized how little sleep that I get on a daily basis, but above all I feel proud of myself. The jobs may not look that prestigious in other people’s eyes, but I love doing both and I can’t believe I’m able to juggle both of them. And now I’m gonna try to juggle even more.

I promise that I will at least post once a week.

I don’t even care if no one actually pays attention or not, as I will be writing for myself and the sake of my sanity. Heck, I’ll even write a bunch of posts right now just in case I just don’t feel like writing so I can have something as a back up plan.

And what if this plan does not go through? Well, it’s the thought that counts, my friend.
Or not, I don’t know, let’s just see how long my power of will will stay.

What else is there?
(And I just realized I say “What else is there?” a lot in a daily basis.)

So I guess, that’s all I can say for the time being? I’ll be seeing you guys a lot, lot, lot more from this point on. Fingers crossed.


Have a good day, good people.
C.

"It’s not good if a person has that much charm. Please tone it down."

some people said that i just need to loosen up.

some people said that i need to take things a seriously.

some people said that i need to think more mature.

some people said that i need to be less dramatic.

some people said that i'm a mess.
which, is something i fully agree on.

some people said that i need to stop.
whatever that means.


and honestly,
i feel like i need help.

please.

"Hang on, help is on the way.."

They say you should never listen to what you tell yourself at night.
I dont really know if that applies to right now, as it is currently 02:49 in the morning and I believe its not so much of a night anymore, despite the dark sky outside my window. But I still believe that still, I'm not supposed to listen to what I'm saying at this particular moment.

Its Eid al-Fitr today, and its been different from the past few years. I have to do things a bit differently and that leaves a big hole in my chest. Is it really how it actually feel? Does realization finally hit me hard in the head?
I didnt really came to any realization until I went out of my room and found out how quite it was, its almost creepy, despite it being really early in the monring yet not early that the sun hasnt shine. Well then, I finally realized this will hurt like a bitch. And it did.

I've never actually thought of it this year. On how much effects this will bring, and how it will affect me as well. I thought this was a good idea, and it is, still up until now. But no one ever told me it will be this hard. No one ever told me it will hurt this bad. This sucks in so many level.

I lost count on how much I've hold the tears up to even crying today. Its really unbearable.
Everything is just messed up and theres no turning back.

What makes things worse is that I know nothing else goes right as well. None. Not even one of them go with how I wanted it to be. I know I've failed in all aspects and I want just for at least one tiny little thing to go my way.
But life doesnt work that way.


At this point I've also realized I've lost so many people. The people that can hold me or at least get my attention off of this whole thing for a while so I can finally breathe. But then again, I'm good at losing good people.

I cant sleep. I cant stop crying.

Eid Mubarak, y'all.
CF.