BXFTHNGSTHTLFTNSD.

"I still love you afterall, I still want you afterall, will you keep me afterall, please dont leave me afterall..."

2012-02-12T22:00:00.004+07:00

Hello guys, its been awhile.
My holiday will end tomorrow, and all I did for about a month was watching tons of TV series. Sadly, most of them are 1 same series. Greek.

I've been tweeting about this show a lot, I've known this show for about a year, before I even moved back to Jakarta. This show is magical. It ended already, but its still magical. A lot of people have been asking me about this show based on curiosity since I talked about this a lot, so right now I'm gonna tell you a thing or two about the show.

So, basically Greek is a show about fraternity and sorority lives. Specifically, this is the story of Casey Cartwright (a cool, smart, hip, sorority girl from Zeta Beta Zeta), and his nerdy freshman little brother, Rusty Cartwright. Rusty wants to change his identity after seeing the awesome life his sister has, so he decided to join a fraternity. After a rush night, two fraternities offered him a bid; Omega Chi (the fraternity where Casey's hot, rich, and classy boyfriend, Evan Chambers is at, known as the best fraternity on campus because they're smart and such gentlemen), and Kappa Tau Gamma (the fraternity where Casey's goofy, fun, and carefree ex boyfriend, Cappie is at, know as the fraternity best for partying yet doesnt have a very good name on campus). During rush night, Rusty made friend with Calvin Owens, who apparently holds a deep secret, and Rusty also has a religious anti-Greek roommate, Dale Kettlewell. Later on, you'll also know important characters like Casey's bestfriend Ashleigh Howard, the bitchy senate's daughter Rebecca Logan, and foxy ZBZ's president Frannie Morgan.

If you think that's a lot of introduction, try watching the first season. Honestly, at first the show will go so slow you think its boring, because it will try to give a very clear explanation for each and every character possible. But later on, you'll thank them HUGE for that. That long explanation makes you so attached to the show. Personally, watching Greek makes me feel like one of the students of Cyprus Rhodes university, and watching each scenario very close as if they live around me. That's what making this show so magical, because it actually makes us feel to be part of it.

At the last episode of Greek, I cried. There are a lot of spoilers over the net but in the end, I still cried, so hard. I cried because of the sad scenes that bring tons of tears, also later on I cried because I know that there wont be anything else for me to watch. They're gone. The show ended. That's it. It's like your life is a book and someone took 4 chapters from the middle of it. Something feels wrong.

I still watch the show once in a while, & I still feel the magic. I'm still attached to it. No matter how much I've watched the exact same episode, I still watch it silently and the twist still gets me. I've re-watched the finale tons of times and I still cry.

This may sound too much for you guys but you need to watch the show too actually feel the magic. But if later on you still find this far from expectations, well maybe this is just not your cup of tea :P but I need to warn you that this show is all drama and a bit of comedy and seriously about teenager. So if you don't like what it sounds to you, you wont find this magical :)

P.S: The pink words are actually clickable :)

Harapan yang Akan Kami Capai Bersama di BEM Fasilkom 2012

2012-01-31T00:01:00.002+07:00

Harapan yang Akan Kami Capai Bersama di BEM Fasilkom 2012

Menyiapkan bekal untuk membentuk angkatan selanjutnya agar lebih matang dan dapat membawa nama baik Fasilkom.

Mengeksplor bakat bidang seni tiap elemen Fasilkom dan memberikan wadah untuk berkarya dan berkreativitas.

Menyehatkan seluruh keluarga Fasilkom dengan memanfaatkan keterbatasan fasilitas olahraga dan harus dipergunakan semaksimal mungkin.

Menghilangkan stigma geek pada mahasiswa komputer, memperkenalkan sisi lain dari IT people yang menyenangkan, dan “tahu dunia luar”.

Membawa nama baik Fasilkom baik di tingkat UI, bahkan tingkat nasional dan internasional dalam bidang non-akademis & akademis.

Lebih mengakrabkan seluruh elemen fasilkom, terutama mahasiswa, dari semua angkatan dan semua jurusan serta semua prodi, menghilangkan diskriminasi dan pandangan sebelah mata dalam satu keluarga.

Mempersiapkan semua event yang akan datang agar lebih matang dan hasilnya lebih memuaskan.

Memperkenalkan Fasilkom lebih dalam ke masyarakat awam, sehingga Fasilkom tidak dikira Fakultas Ilmu Komunikasi dan lulusannya tidak disuruh membetulkan printer :))

Adanya lingkungan khusus yang benar-benar dapat dipergunakan untuk belajar dengan suasana yang kondusif, karena beberapa tempat di Fasilkom terlalu ramai :(

Ada lebih banyak acara yang menyatukan semua mahasiswa dan alumni Fasilkom agar semakin akrab satu sama lain dan semakin terasa kekeluargaannya.

Selain unggul dalam hal non-akademis, mampu juga saling menolong satu sama lain untuk mencapai kesuksesan di bidang akademis dan meraih IP yang dapat dibanggakan.

Dapat lebih kritis terhadap lingkungan sekitar dan menyikapi isu terkini dengan baik dan sesuai dengan etikanya.

Mengadakan lebih banyak acara yang melibatkan atau bahkan menjadikan dosen sebagai inti acara agar kita bisa melihat sisi lain para pengajar selain di kesehariannya.

Membentuk angkatan yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya, dan yang akan diteruskan ke angkatan selanjutnya sehingga setiap angkatan akan jauh lebih baik dan kualitas mahasiswanya pun meningkat.

Memacu seluruh mahasiswa untuk berkontribusi di setiap acara Fasilkom, sehingga yang muncul di kepanitiaan bukan yang "itu-itu aja" :)

Menambah pengalaman di bidang organisasi dan kepanitiaan yang akan berguna saat dunia kerja nanti. Menambah relasi dan kenalan dari segala penjuru yang akan sangat berguna untuk masa depan.

BEM Fasilkom 2012 dapat bekerja secara maksimal dan lancar tanpa kurang suatu apapun dan terhalang segala kendala.

Meningkatkan softskill, terutama di bidang teamwork dan leadership, hal yang akan sangat pasti didapatkan dari bergabung di organisasi seperti BEM.

Tetap mengingat lingkungan sekitar dan orang-orang yang membutuhkan dengan mengadakan Kerja Sosial yang rutin. Fasilkom gives back :)

Membuat semua mahasiswa Fasilkom dapat berkata dengan mantap, “Gue anak Fasilkom, dan gue bangga!” :)

"Did you get my message? Did it send? Or did you just get on with your life?"

2012-01-08T21:06:00.003+07:00

Do you still remember all the things about us? All the silly, useless, even the tiniest things that we did, ideas that we shared, words that got jumbled out from our mouth? Do you still remember how we first met? What we thought about each other back then and what was the first words that came out? Do you still remember when the first time you felt the butterflies on your tummy when we fell in love so quickly, that it hurts even by now when you go through the black and white flashback? Do you still remember the sleepless nights thanks to our countless messages back and forth, simply asking about the day, the weather, and anything around? Do you still remember things that I love and I hate? Do you still remember the broken promises? Do you still remember our songs? Our first date? Our inside jokes? Our dreams and wishes that crushed by time?

Do you still the remember those happy days when we love each other?
Because I do. I still do.o

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze, and love is a riddle."

2011-12-16T08:24:00.002+07:00

Hello, readers.
Whoa, its been months.
This may sound rubbish but college life seriously eats most of my time so, yeah. This time, its different than the last college I went to, when everyday was just about meeting people and mostly my boyfriend, have way too much fun at night, sleepover at my closest friend's, and skipping class. My score was a mess, I failed at almost every single classes, and since I didnt join the new student orientation event, I couldn't be involved in any kind of campus events as well.

Now.. Well now is different. Things are different. My scores are way better I cant even believe things are happening this way, eventho things are decreasing like crazy after mid-term, due to lack of motivation and laziness, but still its much much better than before. And I also involved in many faculty event, beside being part of Liaison Officer at my faculty's Open House, I was one of the Project Officers at the amazing art stage, Kaldera.

Things are better, I finally found my truly happiness on TV shows. Things are much much better. December is coming to an end. I still have my boyfriend by my side so at least I still get one of the things that I really want last year.

See you when I see you, butterflies :)

"But the trouble with dreams, theyre not what they seem, cause when you awake, they fall through your fingers in flakes.."

2011-10-09T10:56:00.003+07:00

Dulu waktu saya kecil, saya selalu bilang ke diri saya sendiri buat bermimpi setinggi mungkin, kalau bisa hampir tidak masuk akal, biar kalau ga kesampaian bisa ngetawain diri sendiri, kalo bisa ya malah alhamdulillah. Lama kemudian, mimpinya berubah jadi masuk akal, tapi makin ambisius dan makin aneh. Dan hingga beberapa bulan yang lalu, saya pun masih punya satu list panjang mimpi yang ingin saya capai, dan diperparah dengan tugas mahasiswa baru UI, Poster 100 mimpi.

Saat saya membuat itu, semua ego di diri saya menanjak ke permukaan. Semua suara kecil dikepala menyuarakan keinginannya agar bisa masuk dalam 100 daftar yang cukup bodoh itu. Dan saat itu, setelah saya selesai membuatnya dan membaca ulang semuanya, saya tersenyum puas dan berkata bahwa inilah yang akan saya capai, dan pasti harus bisa saya dapatkan. Sekali lagi, saat itu.

Beberapa bulan itu sebentar padahal ya, tapi hal yang terjadi terus menerus berdatangan. Dan dalam banyaknya peristiwa itu, satu persatu mimpi bodoh di daftar itu mulai berguguran. Satu persatu. Saat ini belum semuanya, tapi saya yakin saat suatu saat nanti saya membaca ulang daftar itu, saya pasti akan mengutuk kebodohan masa remaja saya.

Saat ini, saya sedang kembali berusaha menata hidup yang semula saya kira akan tetap berjalan dalam rute dan siklus yang sama sampai saya tua renta nanti, namun ternyata harus dihancurkan seiring berjalannya waktu. Anggap saja gempa bumi. Guncangan di hidup ceritanya, tepukan pelan di pundak untuk mengingatkan saya bahwa hidup tidak sesempit itu. Hidup di dunia mungkin memang sebentar, tapi tidak sesempit itu.

Mimpi-mimpi dan impian saya menghambat semua proses di sekitar saya terjadi. Lalu apakah dengan kembali ditatanya hidup saya sekarang saya akan kembali membangun mimpi-mimpi baru? Sebodoh itukah saya?

Sayangnya iya. Saat semua aspek yang jatuh kembali saya letakkan pada tempatnya, semua hal yang pecah sudah saya bersihkan dan saya buang jauh-jauh, dan semua hal yang rusak dengan sangat niatnya saya betulkan secara perlahan, anak-anak pikiran itu kembali membuat fondasi baru berupa mimpi dan cita-cita baru, yang saya yakin tidak akan bertahan lama. Maka dengan ini saya juga harus kembali bersiap-siap mengembalikan, membersihkan, membuang, dan membetulkan apa yang seharusnya saat semua tepukan dan gempa bumi itu kembali.

Saya sudah lelah berkata kepada diri saya sendiri; "Whatever will be, will be, self. Whatever will be, will be." Namanya juga masih remaja, masih muda, ingin menang sendiri, iya kan?

"Cut the strings and let me go."

2011-09-30T21:06:00.002+07:00

I've said this many, many times.
The posts that I hate the most are about new relationships and break ups.
I guess I suck at making those two things still, which is why I've been making nothing for the last hour, staring at this blog post box.

Most importantly, the break up didn't feel painful almost at all. Because it's quite predictable and the pain had been there the whole time so I've done the crying and the frown many times before it ended, but its my low confidence that's kicking back every single second.

All the negative thoughts come up to the surface all over again, telling me I'm not good enough, for basically anything. I'll never do anything right and I'll just make a big mess whenever I start trying. I'm a failure. No one wants me.

I wish I were much much prettier.
But then I look at the mirror, judge that person across me, and study every single part of her face. Slowly, then come to a conclusion. I just wish I were pretty.

I wish I were pretty.

I cant even find a title.

2011-09-27T20:42:00.004+07:00

I'm the queen of all negative thoughts.

I always have plenty of them stuck in my mind, generally about almost everything. Every, single, little thing. Which leads to me looking down to myself all the time, when I know I'm sick of it I can do absolutely nothing at all.

I always think of me as a lucky creature.
Since I dont have the face, I dont have the brain, I dont have the million dollars and even worse dont have the attitude that everyone can brag to each other on how they impress older people by behaving so good. I was scored F- for all those things.
But still I have a rather good life after all. I'm surrounded by amazing people, fantastic family, and such. And comparing to what a fool I am, I dont deserve all those.

Which kills me days by days, each and every second. I have a lot of awesome people around me while I'm stuck in the middle of them, being such a huge embarrassment for everyone around. I do nothing right. And even when I dont feel like being here with these people and ask God about why does this happen to me, then again I think, who am I to ask?

I just did that again.

"Who's to say things arent better this way?"

2011-09-27T18:31:00.001+07:00

You know I've told you to never take me for granted, didnt I?
But you did anyway :)

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings, a thousand little wars I have to choose between."

2011-08-02T10:55:00.004+07:00

Hello, dear blog! I miss writing things!

I gotta say I'm not that amazing at writing, in fact I suck, but I just love doing it. Is that okay? It is, isnt it? Aaaaaaaaaaaand, its been a while since I actually writing things, like in paragraphs and lots of words, so will doing it right now. Caution: its gonna be a long post and probably boring ahead ;;)

So, what happened lately?

Are you kidding me? TONS of things.

After I went through my blog archive I realized that on April I wrote about my break up stuff with Azza, and didnt write any other things about it ever since, so I'm gonna put it now; yes, I'm back with him. Its been a couple of months actually. And since its August now, we'll reach the 9th month in a bout a month! Hahaha I know its weird since I've never dated anyone this long before but idk why I'm attached to him, just like that :)

And lately, I've been attached to other things too, fortunately not another male figure, but TV shows! Well this isnt new since its been more than a year that I actually tell people that I love TV shows, but this time, especially with the holiday, I got addicted to TV shows even more. Even one of my dreams include write about TV shows for living.

Speaking of writing about TV shows, I've been wanting to write about those kind of stuff on my blog but I'm afraid that I cant keep the consistency. You know, like what I do to my posts about cover versions (and yes, I love cover versions still, I just dont know what to share to you guys). Sometimes I envy people who can actually write about one thing that they love, be passionate about it, and keep the consistency, like one of my friend, Fariz with his blog, Vampibots (and btw check out his blog guys, he's a movie blogger, and he's doing a damn good job at it). But I dont know I just cant start, and my writings suck so...

Moving on!

Still about TV shows, I once read a question 'What was you first TV show addiction' and at first I thought it was Psych because I've never been so in love with a TV show like it before, but then I realized I do had some TV show addictions before. The first one turned out to be Stacked by Pamela Anderson and Elon Gold, then Whose Line Is It Anyway? with Drew Carrey and the Improv-Team, and definitely Psych with James Roday and Dule Hill. But lately I'm addicted to other TV shows too, Greek! It was a really good show, too bad it was cancelled after the 4th season :( maybe I'll write about those tv shows later in the future :D

And the biggest news of all..

I'm leaving Telkom Institute of Technology. Dayeuh Kolot. Buah Batu. And basically, Bandung. I never thought that I'll be sad on this. At first I was so excited to live on my own, then I had the phase when I had homesick for every single day, and now I badly want to live in Jakarta but still feeling so hard leaving Bandung. There's too many memories in there. Used to be undercontrol of two over-protective parents, lived all by my own is a whole new world. I learned new stuff, I gained new friends, I found new love :) The whole thing is just something that I wont forget at all. Gonna miss the place, the people, and the whole thing so much :(

But the question is, why did I move?

University of Indonesia, bitches! Finally. Yes, finally!! I got into Computer Science major, International Class. This is actually what I've been wanting to do for years, and this still feels surreal. No matter what the stereotypes and everything, this is actually feel better than if I got into the regular class. The cost kills before I even started tho, thats why I have to work my ass off extra hard on anything. So excited!!

And I was prepared to do a long distance relationship with Azza before, since actually eventough I didnt get in there I'll still move to a local university, but when the announcement came out, it was such a bliss that we both actually got in!! In the exact same faculty, with different majors. But its way more than enough. I'm way more excited :))

So, thats it. I know I wrote too much tho, haha I'm so sorry. There's just too many things to tell! So how's your life doing? :) If you have some comments, or anything that you wanna tell me, you can easily drop it in my formspring box, or simply click here! And tweet me here :) And dont forget to give a tick on the box if you like the post! See you later people! Have fun! :)

"This is what we're doing, this is worth the pain."

2011-07-19T09:59:00.002+07:00

Computer Science International Class, Faculty of Computer Science, University of Indonesia, Class of 2011. Hell yeah, dreams do come true :3

P.S: The other exciting news is my boyfriend got into the same university, and the same faculty! So proud of him in any way possible <3

"And we love them so hard that it could make us build a new universe. By the time we make it they will send a letter to tell us they’re sorry."

2011-07-05T22:28:00.002+07:00

Cappie & Casey Cartwright; Greek 1x07 - Multiple Choice
(source)

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do.."

2011-06-17T02:17:00.003+07:00

I wish I could make things way more simple on us.
Like, how I love you could finish things up. How things are about those three words and those three words only. How I dont have to care about any other things around us too, that gets me down & calls out tears whenever I close my eyes and think about it.

I wish I could make things way more simple on us.
Like, how I could make sure everything will go according to plan, my plan, our plan. How I could make sure that the guy that will wake up next to me every single day on my old years will be the same guy that I'm with now. How I dont have to care about any other things around us too, that gets my scared by thoughts that you'll leave me for someone prettier, better, and happier.

But wishes dont work that way, do they?

"Is you falling apart? And though you cry no one hears you screaming?"

2011-06-02T23:04:00.003+07:00

You know at some of the time you're just lost and dont really know where are you going, whats your real intention and whats basically your plan to live the whole thing?
I know. I'm feeling it right at this exact moment.

I feel like I'm failing every single thing right now. I cant do anything right.

I dont even dare to dream anymore.
I cant stand everything down here. The lessons, the campus, the living. The everything. Its a hell of a fun down here, its hell of a hell here too. I'm getting way further from what I wanted to achieve earlier, I just want to go out from this place quickly so badly.
I'm desperately giving up to life.

Toronto was a shit.
I wont be able to go anywhere near that.

2011-05-23T22:28:00.001+07:00

I'm lost, I'm lost, I dont know where I'm going.

"Take my breath away, make everyday, worth all of the pain that I've gone through."

2011-04-20T23:27:00.000+07:00

This has been a question to people around me for a while, so here it goes;
Yes, people. Me & Azza broke up, around early April.
& no, we're not getting back together yet. We're still two exes.

I cant tell you the reason but it wasnt something that we both want, instead its something that we HAVE TO do. & right now, you may call our relationship whatever you like it to be, but still, we're no longer a couple. & hell yeah, dont you dare think that we have the same kind of relationship like other exes ;D Anyway, whatever happens, I love him no less at all. We reached our 5th 15 already. Giga yayness, he's officially my longest man :)

"Yang berwarna itu kalo kamu udah senyum."
- Azza Firdaus, 20 April 2011

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN A WEEK. Or more. WHATEVS HELL YEAH.

2011-04-19T19:04:00.001+07:00

"I just dont understand why my love isnt good enough."

2011-04-12T05:28:00.002+07:00

I'm losing a battle with every single aspect in your life.
I'm losing a battle with your family. I'm losing a battle with your friends. I'm losing a battle with your basketball addiction. I'm losing a battle with your city thingies. I'm losing a battle with your communities. I'm losing a battle with your everything.
I do want to win once or two.

And I also dont like how things go as you being everybody's boyfriend. I dont feel like lending you for any other girls out there & simply share you like a cheap frozen yoghurt.
You are mine. At least thats what you promised.
And I stand by that promise I realize I should just talk to you about how I dont like you being in the middle of the crowd of girls while you cant even stand being near me for a little matter of time, how I dont like you being every girl's place to run and & shoulder to cry on while you can hardly calm me down, how I dont like you looking okay at some random girls simply put their hands on you or hug you or touch you or any other things which I highly, highly dissapointed at.

And now you may stand by the reason that I do the same thing.
Well yes I do. I do love hanging out with my friends at some of the time, but I surely dont ignore you like what you do. I aint show you that everything's fun without you there, I ask you where are you & what you do, eventou you hardly do the same when you're in the same situation.

And I do love being in the middle of the crowd of boys. And I do sometimes getting too comfortable with them by resting my arms around them or else. But you do know too that I hang out with guys for almost the most time of my life. I look like a guy, they treat me like a guy, being with a group of guys feel nothing weird for them since I feel like one. And at least they care, they ask me what happened when I feel gloomy, when my real guy getting out there stuck with a bunch of other girls.

And still, after all those reasons and everything I mentioned above, no matter how I look like everything you think I look like eventou I'm not, I still put you as my highest priority. I still put you first. Now this one you dont have any statement to fight back, aint you? :)

Didnt I tell you I was THIS close to giving up to you?
Cause I did. Many, many times.
But I cant just let you go that way, can I.
But that also doesnt mean that one day, one time, if you keep doing all this I'll get fed up and do the things that I thought I'd never do, I'd never want, & I'd never want to do.

I love you. I surely do.
And instead of saying that you do, show me that you do.

"Someone help us cause we're doing our best."

2011-04-04T20:37:00.002+07:00

Relationships end, dont they?
Mine just did :)

"Maafin aku yaaa, maafin aku for everything."
I forgave you even if you didnt ask.
me loves ya, 72 <3

ANNOUNCEMENT! Hear, hear.

2011-03-29T18:47:00.004+07:00

My phone is broken. That stupid son of a bitch was a BlackBerry Bold. The screen went blank & it wont start up after I charged it a couple of days ago. It happened before, but the repairman told me if it happens again, it will cost even bigger. Its about time, stupid blackberry asshole.

I cried. Exactly. Betsy, the name of that stupid bitch, was like my whole life. I put everything into it. Plus, I'll need to start everything from the ground later when I get my another phone, which wont be an easy thing to do. I know that Betsy will lay there useless sooner or later, but god I didnt thought it will be THIS sooner.

Anw, I wont be able to buy a new BlackBerry (eventou it has been a part of me like the bbm & the unlimited internet & such) for a couple of months so you guys wont be able to contact me via BlackBerry Messenger. Instead I'll replace it with an Android that I'll buy tomorrow, which is way way cheaper. Contact me via text message if you need me. If you wanna know my phone number, just ask via twitter or email & I'll send you mine.

Thats all for the quick post folks! Mid term exam is on, & tomorrow is the bloody calculus. See ya!

"But we cant always be perfect, and thats alright."

2011-03-19T15:19:00.005+07:00

Dear, Azz;
1. Dont take unserious things serious.
2. Dont take serious things unserious.
3. Make up your mind & find one top goal.
4. Fulfill the other goals, one at a time.
5. You are amazing. Never doubt it. Never.
6. Haters gonna hate. Dont give a damn.
7. Calm down. Loosen up. Inhale. Exhale.
8. Dont get stressed out. Dont think too much.
9. Share. I'm here to listen eventou I cant help.
10. Some people just wanna be listened.
11. I miss you as bad as it could get.
12. Appreciate people by saying thank you.
13. Apologize when you know you're wrong.
14. People care about you. Remember that.
15. I love you. No matter what.

"Sometimes you make me a better person, sometimes you bring out the worst."

2011-03-18T00:10:00.003+07:00

I could never thank you enough for being there for me & everything that you did. I could never apologize you enough for the mistakes that I did. I could never ask you enough to be better for me at some certain ways to avoid the arguments that we did :)

I love you for who you are.
I dont give a fuck about nothing else.
I love you for who you are.

Selamat hari ke-120, azza firdaus!

"And I hope you find it, what you're looking for, & I hope its everything you dreamed your life could be & so much more."

2011-03-06T09:16:00.001+07:00

"You seem to appear as always talking about how great you are in your relationship, i really hope this will be your last one."

"I'm on my knees while I'm beggin, cause I dont wanna lose you."

2011-03-05T22:53:00.004+07:00

I just need to be listened.

You know those times when I'm mad at you, really mad at you. Yet you know I'll get better somehow so you just leave me alone & go out and have fun. And the fact that you're right, that I'll get better on my own, that I hate it the most that you're right, and I have absolutely nothing to do about it. Yet sometimes I deeply want you to be next to me, ask me whats going on, and when I say nothing just dont leave my side, stay there, hold my hand, hug me and say that you're sorry. Or if thats a hard thing for you to do, just pick up the phone, call me, tell me that you're sorry, and tell me that you love me. Even a fake sayings will do it.

I just need to be listened. By you.

"I just cant get you off my mind & why would I even try?"

2011-03-03T21:07:00.004+07:00

Oh this post is gonna be so cheesy.

So I havent written anything specific about the guy that I'm currently dating now. & I've been wanting to write about it for weeks but I dont know what to type. Now I still dont, but currently trying, so, here are few facts about us. Some are just plain facts, some will be, well, quite wow-ing ;)

His name is Azza Firdaus. We go to the same college, same major, but in different classes. He's from Bogor, & I'm from Jakarta. I know him the first time from the night English class (there's a different English class for some kids with some EPrT scores), & we got into a group for one task. & no, we didnt fall in love & getting close ever since, but that was the door that led to this :) long story short, November 15th '10 was the date :)

So, the facts. Right. Lets start with the simple ones.

He told me that he got my eyes on me since the first time he saw me on campus, which was actually months before the english class, while he simply got my attention since we got together in that English class (but by that time I was in a relationship). We told the exact same guy (who was my schoolmate & his classmate atm) that we liked each other, & that guy told us to go for it, without telling us that the other person also said the exact same thing. Confusing I know. But even until moments before the date, we both didnt really sure about the other's feeling, eventou it looked THAT obvious.

You know that I was really into Sydney few months ago? I wanted to go to this university so bad but unfortunately my parents were against it so I didnt. Then weeks ago, he told me that he was almost go to Australia for college, & then I saw a paper with a university name written on it. Thats right. The exact same university. University of New South Wales.

I once said, as a joke, that I'll find a guy who's nothing like my dad. & things get scarier each day since they now have so much in common in so many levels! From how they eat, to how they sleep. & the scarier thing, the jealousy! This is funny, yet, well mostly funny. God what did I do wrong.

When I mentioned that he got his eyes on me since the first time he saw me on campus, its because he didnt when he first actually saw me. After one super random talk, we found out that we actually met once before. At a speech contest. We competed against each other. Thanks to my short-hair & my speaking skill, he remembered altough he didnt know that it was me. So then again, we met before. Once. Eventou we didnt really recall each other. Wow, universe.

Now, to the most wow-ing part.
He met my parents. I've never met his, yet my mom knows her mom. Knows her well in fact. This is possible thanks to the fact that they lived across each other back in the hometown. Right fuckin across. Everyone that heard this gotta think at first that this is some kind of joke, but its actually not. Both of us went :| by the fact haha. I even lost for words to continue this part.

Anyway, aside from all the facts above. I'm so lucky to have this guy. & eventou he's being such a jerk & jealousy arsehole sometimes, he's really, really good. He stands to all of my flaws, listens to all my nonsense babble, gets along with my friends, & enjoys what I like. We're currently soooo into Misfits TV Show! & he's still aiming for UNSW, while I'm aiming for University of Toronto, meaning we'll be miles apart by then, but who cares :)

So, those are some of our facts.
I'm gonna need all prayers as much as possible for me & him cause I really want this one to work. Lets give it all to the universe anyway, shall we? :) Catch up with you guys later!

Yours truly,
Perdana Computeria / Candle Foxx / Unnamed personality

P.S: To you, I love you. Too much :*

"I knew I wouldnt forget you, so I went and let you blow my mind."

2011-02-18T00:04:00.004+07:00

There will be us now,
there will be us at University of Toronto & University of New South Wales,
& there will be us still after, with a whole new book to write in.

i love you.

"When I look in your eyes, I can feel the butterflies."

2011-02-13T23:52:00.003+07:00

Well, that last post surely isnt really good to see.
I know that by the time I'm writing this, it will be days late, but since late is better than never, & since we're having another thing to celebrate in the exact next week so, yeah, here it goes.

02 / 08 / 11
Selamat ulang tahun, Azz!
Semoga panjang umur, sehat selalu, wishesnya pas tiup lilin terkabul, bisa lebih dewasa & lebih baik dalam segala aspek, IP nya naik, cepet mapan (& nanti mapannya sama saya), dan makin sayang sm keluarga & pacarnya!

02 / 15 / 11
Selamat hari ke-92, Azz!
Terimakasih sudah betah menampung semua ocehan & kerandoman & keegoisan & kesensian & kemanjaannya saya. Terimakasih juga sudah menanggapi itu semua dengan kecuekan & kejelesan & kegalakan & ketidurannya :D me loves you :*

"Sometimes I feel that its so too much to take..."

2011-02-11T21:29:00.003+07:00

I'm actually in one of the lowest points of my entire life.

Being at the center of attention most of the times, definitely by my unability to stay still & talk every single time, one thing, among of any other things, that brings me down like nothing else.
Being worthless.

Which is what I'm feeling right now, mostly. I guess.
Since I'm lost for words to describe how I feel lately & I dont even care to find the right word to. Like no one else would care.

Thats the point. No one does.
Not even the person that you expect will do the most.

I used to have this huge homesick at my very fist days here, but then the feeling didnt come back for months until few days ago, when all I wanted was being at home with my mom & my entire family. Well, mostly my mom. Being in my room, my home, with people that care about me the most. Or maybe the only person that does care about me. Mom.

On the good news, since maybe this is the only good thing happening to me by now, my self harm is acting up all over again. The cuts are spreading all around my left arm, as usual, a bit more than it used too. The process was awful, the pain after was even more awful, but now I know what its for; everytime I feel so worthless & look at those scars, I feel a bit happier somehow :]

who am i to you?
& since i havent write a single word about it, & eventou this is 3 days late, happy birthday.

"There you go making my heart beat again, heart beat again, heart beat again."

2011-01-28T20:27:00.003+07:00

Tadi kan aku nonton Greek yah, terus masa pas cowonya bilang 'I love you' cewenya cuma bilang 'Thank you.'
Lah emang kenapa?
Ya kasian aja masa dibalesnya thank you doang.
Oh berarti selama ini kamu bales gitu tuh kasian ya?
Hahaha ga gitu lah, coba deh coba bilang gitu.
I love you.
Makasih hahahaha.
Dih makasih doang, gantian kamu yang bilang.
Ogah nanti makasih juga.
Engga, serius deh beneran coba coba.
I love you.
Oh tidak bisa.
..............
Tadinya aku mau bilang 'so happy for you'.
...............

(the star signs represent the three words. well, you know.)

"I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie, I have my freedom but I dont have much time."

2011-01-21T01:48:00.002+07:00

"You think I don’t want her to be happy? I want her to be happy, but —serious Shawn moment here— I want to be happy, too. And, for some reason, I can’t imagine that happening without Juliet." - Shawn Spencer, Psych: 5x09 - One. Maybe Two. Ways Out.

"I'm always here for you, & I'll be here for you."

2011-01-11T22:13:00.000+07:00

[This is one of my writings that I wrote in my notebook few months ago. I guess this one worth a post here, so, here we go. Hope that you like it.]

Hai, makhluk yang berada bermil-mil jauhnya.
Ralat. Tidak ada jarak yang berupa angka. Kita hidup di dunia yang jauh berbeda.
Lalu apa guna semua ini? Apa tujuan dari tulisan ini, sesuatu yang ditujukan untuk seseorang yang tidak bernyawa, yang tidak ada?

Aku menyerah menggunakan kata nyata, karena kamu mengaburkan semua garis yang ada. Kata mustahil pun mulai hilang makna saat kita menggunakannya. Semua, semua tantangan yang pernah kita bicarakan sebelumnya tentang apa kita, siapa kita, dan akan jadi apa kita, semua hal yang terdengar seperti satu cerita fiksi penuh lelucon untuk mereka yang mendengar di luar sana, tetap terasa sangat jauh lebih nyata, saat kamu yang menceritakannya.

Ingat salah satu pembicaraan terakhir kita? Saat kamu mengatakan bahwa semua hal, bahkan hal terkecil di jagat raya alam semesta, sudah mempunyai jalur dan akan berakhir dengan apa cara dan jalan yang semestinya? Saat kamu mengatakan bahwa mustahil adalah kata yang bodoh bila memang sudah tersedia satu cerita yang terdengar sama bodohnya? Saat kamu mengatakan bahwa kamu dan aku, entah betapa pun konyol kedengarannya, akan berada di sana, dia garis akhir itu, bila memang sudah tersedia satu cerita untuk kita?

Dan saat tiba-tiba kamu pergi. Kamu mati.
Mungkin aku terdengar kejam, tidak berperasaan atau bahkan tidak bermoral dengan pilihan kata barusan, tapi nyatanya kamu memang mati. Dan begitu pula semua harapan, dan rencana hidup konyol yang kita rencanakan sebelumnya. Semuanya mati. Hilang secara tiba-tiba. Kadang aku berharap hidup datang beserta paket berisi sinyal & bunyi peringatan, untuk hal-hal seperti ini. Setidaknya bila aku tau apa yang akan terjadi pada kamu, yang akhirnya berefek pada semua rencana kita, aku bisa menyiapkan ekspresi terkejut yang, terlihat lebih baik.

Kembali pada 2 baris pertama dari tulisan ini.
Bahwa tidak ada jarak berupa angka. Karena aku tahu kamu di sini. Dan kamu menyaksikan semua ini. Kamu memang mati, tapi kamu pun tidak sepenuhnya pergi.

We'll catch up soon, J.

"Your worst inhibition's gonna psych you out in the end."

2011-01-07T23:18:00.007+07:00

COVER POST! MAKE A WAY!
Whoa, its been so long since my last cover post, & I actually didnt plan on making one, but this, is seriously one of the topic that I love the most to talk about; my favorite tv show ever, the best, the funniest, the one & only, PSYCH!!

.....wait. what do you mean you dont know Psych?
Oh, jump on the lame train you, lame. Click here for the Wikipedia link so you can at least know what the show is about.

So now, I'm not gonna be here to talk about the show, but I'm talking about the theme song!! Yeah, they do covers for the theme song!! First, I'm gonna give you the links of the original theme song of the show, called I Know You Know by The Friendly Indians.

I Know You Know - Opening Credits
I Know You - Opening Credits Extended

For some special episodes, they did a bit of changes to the theme song. Like christmas theme on Psych 2x10: Gus's Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy, Pscyh 3x9: Christmas Joy, & Psych 5x14: The Polarizing Express; the spanish theme on Psych 2x13: Lights, Camera... Homicidio; and the bollywood theme on Psych 4x06: Bollywood Homicide.

I Know You Know - Christmas Version
I Know You Know - Spanish Version
I Know You Know - Bollywood Version

And the best part is, they even have guest stars to sing the theme song too! & I gotta tell you, the results are beyooond amazing. You can check, I mean you HAVE TO check: Boyz II Men on Psych 4x07: High Top Fade Out (my favorite!), Curt Smith of Tears for Fears on Psych 5x08: Shawn 2.0; & the creepy one by Julee Cruise on Psych 5x12: Dual Spires, a tribute episode to a series called Twin Peaks.

I Know You Know - Boyz II Men
I Know You Know - Curt Smith
I Know You Know - Julee Cruise

Now that you know they did such an amazing creative job to the theme song, you might wanna check the show. I mean, you HAVE TO ;)

"But all good things gotta come to an end."

2010-12-31T21:00:00.002+07:00

Hello, readers.
Its gonna be 2011 pretty soon, so here's a recap about what happened for the whole year, in points, while reading the dreadful blog archive. & oh, this is going to be a dreadful, long post as well! Lols. Here we go!

► Changed my blog name, for the very, very first time, from Candle of Irony to Tears & candlelights. It was because CoI handled some memories that I need to throw away super far, & I also immediately changed some of my web accounts, except AIM. Changed it again into Lovenotes and midnight talks. & another new name few months later that I'm sticking with now, Box of things that left unsaid.

► 2010 started with a guy stood by my side, which sadly had to end in early February. Caused by some basic problems about our relationship that actually stood there the whole time of our relationship that we tried to ignore but, well. Anyway, I'm still having talking to him, being good friends, & even have some phonecalls at night just to share stories :) & after the "you guys are breaking up, seriously??" moment that I got, I dated another guy, that surely made me regret the decision like so damn much. I cant find any other way to type this without being fully with anger, & not getting the jerk word inside this part, but anyway, it was quite a quick relationship, & thank god, again thank the mighty god it ended.

► I got accepted in IT Telkom, informatics engineering major. At first it was a really happy moment because I was about to get kicked out to Singapore for college, but then again I realized that I wasnt ready for it, & as always, regrets come late. But the thing is, I got accepted, & I'm sticking with it until now. & the exhausted school events. The national exams, the university tests, the school exam, the everything exam. It was such a frustation, non stop numbers & formulas & things to memorize. I even have one special bag for tests so I dont need to pack it up later. Eventou I didnt get a really max score for national exam, but who cares, I passed. & the useless university test, I got in into the university I had earlier anyway.

► The surprise birthday party, bitches!! It was not that surprising tho, cause my dad cant keep his mouth shut & kept on spoiling things, but I didnt think that I will be that, wow. I mean, there was everyone, classmates, middle school friends, my childhood friend, everyone. It was such a great night, & a great day. Too many wishes, one sweet message from the guy I expected to wish the most, one greeting via messenger from the all time idol, one short phonecall from the guy I love the most, & the party at night; it was the best birthday I've ever had. So far.

► The most shocking news of the entire year; J's gone. For good, forever. It was really, really shocking, eventou I should have seen it coming, since he was dying on the hospital bed for weeks, but I didnt realize that he'll be gone, I mean THAT fast. J, come back alive you, love.

► Finally, another relationship around May :) it was with the guy I've been in love with for about a year, that has been there the whole time. With a guy who doesnt really care but still give a shit. With a guy who says the bitter stuff & puts the sweet things between. It wasnt that smooth tho, we both know that we have some challenges in front of us, big challenges. & my formspring was full with a bunch of jealous girls asking what the hell happened between the two of us, since we've never officially announced that we actually dated :) The chase was about a year, the dating was about three months, including one breakup. It had to end caused by one, single, stupid mistake I made, & when we could fix things up it was too late. Another mistakes I made & we decided to start all over from the very first start, still talking till now, & share some stories :)

► The whole living alone thing started. Have always been undercontrol of two overprotective parents & have always been sharing the same roof with them, made it really hard for me to live during the first few days. I cried every single night, I slept all the time in hope that time will go faster so I could be home earlier by weekend. I can hardly stand being there, especially after the break up. But after a week, after few talks & getting along events with the class, well I'm in love. Being in love with another guy helped the process as well. Now, I super love the class, the routine, the place, the people, the everything.

► A new love helped the adaptation with the new environment, like I mentioned earlier, & I gotta tell you, this guy is one of the most awesome guys I've ever known. Like, seriously. This is a guy that makes you burst out laughing, leaves you all alone crying, but also gives the calm aura that makes you stop thinking. Been in a realtionship for exactly a day & a month, it wasnt pretty, the break up was painful, but I didnt regret even just a second of it. Again, the break up, & the after break up are seriously hard for me, especially with the fact that we're in a same class & hang out with the same people. But we're still talking, being an inside joke for the class sometimes, & he's still fun, no matter what :)

► Being apart from my closest friends during highschool was the hardest part of everything, since we all are in the different town (except for Amung & Dimas who goes to UI, while I stay in Bandung & Rendi studies in Purwokerto). Thank god for technology, I had some bbm conference with Rendi & Amung, & they just cant fail me. A bit tricky with Dimas tho, since he's hard to find, eventou I met him once & we talked about few things & it was great since I miss him super much, & now its gonna be harder cause he told me yesterday that he lost his phone ._. anyway, I also have to face the fact that my bestfriend, Galang, had to leave for Australia for college. The farewell at the airport was quite emotional, since I didnt plan to let out any tears but I did anyway. Hahaha. In the end, 2010 was a farewell for some great friends. Sigh.

► One of my happy factors of the year is actually a tweet from a super gorgeous goddess named Jenny Wade. Go effin google her & you'll know. She's super pretty, like SUPER pretty, & had her replied my unmentioned tweet about her made my day. No, it made my month. Seriously. & oh, I also had some few more meets with my all-time idol, Ananda Omesh, & really, really glad to know that he remembers me. He's super nice, & thats what makes me being a huge fan of him, still.

► The best part of this is that I dont end 2010 single! :P (eventou we both are in two different towns at the moment, being apart). Lol. So, I'm currently dating this guy & its good to finally have a boyfriend who takes a good care of me, since I dont get that much attention for the last, 4 relationships :P Had some talking about some heavy stuff with him few days ago, & I surely wish I could still write about our relationship here for the entire year of 2011, (& the upcoming years :D). So, well, yeah. Lol.

Wow, its surely is a really long post. So overall, 2010 was tricky, not as plain as 2010, but it was full of surprises. Some great guys, few jerks, & an amazing guy by the end. Lots of loves, lots of studies, lots of new & amazing friends. So hows yours? Please, do share :)

Cheers & tears,
Perdana C / Candle F / Unknown third personality

P.S: I just realized that I have another alter ego. This sucks.

"You know you really were the bomb."

2010-12-16T18:49:00.002+07:00

Hello universe!
K so this is one super quick post to catch things up about blogging thingy, just changed the layout, it may seem exactly the same but i upgraded it to the newest one so i could easily changed the colors and stuff but unfortunately they use different code so I cant do the tricks & add some goodies to the blog. Boo. Hoo.

So, now, the layout. Well as you can see I dont have any comments form, but now you can click on that - (Y) box! Yeah! So take it like 'Likes' on facebook, i just wanna see which kind of my lovenotes that people actually like :) so please kindly tick the box on posts that you like! Thank you! :D

& how suck it is when you have tons of inspirations to write some lovey dovey stuff but you cant cause its just aint describing how you feel? So based on that, I just made a new tumblr, http://idontwanttogiveyouup.tumblr , where I'll post some love notes inspired by current nowplayings! Come & give it a look! Thanks! :]

Cheers & tears,
Candle F.

P.S: The title? Oh well, its just a current nowplaying :]

"That's all I've got to say.. I love you, is that okay?"

2010-12-15T23:22:00.003+07:00

*flip flop*
C: "Ayo make a wish dulu."
A: "Oke. *make a wish. lama. banget*"
C: "Oke, mau sama apa beda?"
A: "Beda."
C: "Oke, satu dua tiga.."
A & C: "Flop!"
C: "Yaaaaaah.. Biasanya wishnya ga bener tuh, emg kamu minta apa?"
A: "Banyak. Bla bla bla bla.. Sama semoga besok bisa bangun haha."
C: "Eh kok sama sih aku jg semoga besok kamu ga ketiduran.."
A: "Berarti besok bakal kesiangan lagi ya?"

Selamat 30 harian, @azzafirdaus!

"I got this icebox where my heart used to be."

2010-12-07T18:28:00.002+07:00

[a little explanation here, wrote this few weeks after my last breakup, about to post it but waited for a better time, & now it feels too good to be sitting on draft just like that, so decided to post it anyway, just because this one's good :P]

You know that we used to sat outside, do nothing for few minutes, then talk for hours? You know that we used to talk about everything, & by everything I mean, everything?

And all the jokes that you told me those days, with the signature laugh of you that I adore, even after its all over. And all the sweet things that you said in the middle of the night, things about you, about me, about a thing that once we called us.

You know when I gave you the weird look cause you acted so childish & danced around without giving a shit if anyone's noticing, and we talked again about few more topics, sometimes stopped when some people passed us by, and few more talking, few more words, & then you started to shut your mouth... for few seconds, laid your head on your knees, leaned on me for another few seconds, and talked & joked all over again?

You know those days, when you and me meant us?

"I was a thorn stuck in your side, and i could never change your mind."

2010-12-04T16:10:00.004+07:00

Dear mom & dad & sister,
I'm sorry that I cant make you guys proud & do amazing stuff to get our family's name high. I'm sorry that all I can do is spending every cents for some stupid things. I'm sorry that all I can do is being such a pain in your asses & cant stop being it. I'm sorry & thank you for all the things that you've done, for the patience & the guidance & all the other things.

Dear friends,
I'm sorry for being such a loud screaming machine that I know annoys the hell out of you guys. I'm sorry for always being such a stupid moron & asking for help like every single seconds. I'm sorry for every nonsense babble. & thank you, for all the helps & words & stuff.

Dear my fave addiction,
I'm sorry for always acting so childish & being so spoiled. I'm sorry for always saying bad stuff about you & treat you bad & bringing your mood down & being in my bad mood a lot. I'm sorry that I always ask you for anything & sometimes forgot to say thank you. & thank you, for always being there & everything that you gave me & stuff. I love you.

"I cant seem to get it right when I'm not with you."

2010-11-22T18:16:00.005+07:00

Her ; Him
"Aku seneng deh kalo ngeliat kamu ketawa."
"Ih apasih unyu banget haha."
"Haha tapi serius aku seneng kalo ngeliat kamu ketawa senyum gitu."
"Lah kenapa emang?"
"Ya seneng aja ngeliat kamu seneng. Jadi ikut bahagia haha."

I usually hate oh-too-cheesy stuff, but, the heck when it comes to you <3

"And that crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet."

2010-11-15T07:55:00.002+07:00

Halo kamu. Yang labilnya parah sekali. Yang bisa bikin galau sampe maksimal. Yang ga bisa ngenalin unyu moment (tapi katanya bisa nyiptain unyu moment, aaaaaaaaaaaw hahahaha). Yang alibinya banyak. Yang ring alimnya numpuk tapi ga sebanyak aku 00000000:-). Yang udah janji gabakal ngomong asu lagi. Yang suka random sendiri. Yang kalo makan eskrim belepotan. Yang bocah terus kalo ngomong sepotong-sepotong. Yang.... apalagi ya. Itu aja deh. Eh tapi masih banyak. Tapi udah deh (labilnya nular).

Makasih untuk pembicaraan super random sekali di pagi hari & 3 pertanyaannya yaa :) diharapkan kesabaran extra tinggi untuk menghadapi orang seperti ini. Huahahahaha *ketawa penjahat*.

i know this is so cheesy. mind me ._.

"I am trying. Not to tell you. But I want to."

2010-11-11T21:32:00.004+07:00

Crushing someone is one of the most fun yet complicated things to do. & oh god, am I in love :)

"And its the feeling I get inside that keeps me up at night."

2010-11-07T00:07:00.005+07:00

This is supposed to be my time to shine.
When a boy dumps a girl, somehow the girl will look way more stunning so the boy will have this regrets about the whole stuff. Except when they boy is a total jerk. But still, the girl will shine even more.

So you're not supposed to be shining more than I do.
You're not supposed to be awesome. You're not supposed to be adorable. & gorgeous & attractive & amazing like how you always do. You're supposed to lost all the ability to make me laugh & make me smile & make me cry.
& I supposed be over you already.

I've never said that I could have another you in minute.
Because there will be no other you. There's only you.
& I've never said that I'm good at moving on process as well.
Cause, well I suck at it.

But I also have never said that I cant find another guy, to take your place & treat me like how I should be treated. & I also have never said that I stop trying to move on.

Cause believe me, dear, I'll get that fuckin spotlight back.

"I dont wanna lose you."

2010-11-01T18:40:00.001+07:00

"Should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?"

2010-10-29T02:57:00.002+07:00

C ; Adzan Fajar Maulana

"Gue aja gatau gue hrs nunggu brp lama, gue jg gatau apa gue seharusnya nunggu apa engga. Tolol ya."
"Emang haha. Kdg apa yg kita lakuin gak logis sm kenyataan yang ada ya?"
"Hati itu egois dzan, gapeduli seberapakeras otak bahkan seluruh sistem di diri lo blg suatu keputusan itu ga logis & ga baik, lo bakal ttp berjalan dgn apa yg hati lo blg."
"Dan kdg hati milih jalan yg salah tp keliatan bener."

"So hold me, take me back to you."

2010-10-26T21:37:00.002+07:00

Kamu tau cahaya itu? Iya cahaya terang itu, yang kini telah pudar setelah semua berlalu. Cahaya yang berasal dari kamu.

Cahaya itu, cahaya keyakinan tentang ini semua.
Pantas saja cahaya itu perlahan memudar sebelum akhirnya kita menuju jalan yang berbeda, karena ternyata tak lama setelah itu, kamu pun pergi, dengan alasan seadanya.

"Starstruck! Camera flashes, cover of magazines."

2010-10-23T15:24:00.005+07:00

Halo semua. Mau cerita pake bahasa indonesia lagi ya.
Jadi hari ini ceritanya saya bolos kuliah. Buat apa. Buat nobar film terbarunya orang paling ganteng sedunia, Ananda Omesh, Aku atau Dia. Rencananya dadakan banget lah. Untung bisa ikut. Untung sekali. Saya bangun pagi sekali, terus bangunin adik saya yang mandinya sangat lama, biar cepet. Setelah sama sama mandi dan sarapan, kita berdua meluncur ke Plaza Senayan pukul setengah 8 karena dikira bakal macet.

Di PS ternyata ga macet, jam 8. Masih gelap. Terus nunggu di mobil deh. Jam 9 naik ke XXI. Salah lantai. Maklum, ngantuk. Sampai di XXI, celinguk celinguk, tanya tanya, singkat cerita masuk studio terus nonton deh. Filmnya lucu loh. Bagus. Agak nyes sih buat yang baru mengakhiri hubungan kaya saya. Tapi, ya sudahlah. Terus filmnya habis deh. Keluar. Masuk lagi ke XXI, wah ramai-ramai pada foto-foto. Ternyata ada pemain-pemainnya gitu. Fedi Nuril, Ringgo, Julie Estelle, sama ada Band Alexa juga. Rame deh. Celinguk-celinguk lagi, nyari Omeshnya, kok ga ada. Sibuk sendiri bolak-balik. Akhirnya saya bbmin. Dibalesnya lama. Sampe panik. Terus ternyata dia di smoking room -_- keluar lagi dari XXI. Ngintip dari kaca smoking roomnya kaya orang susah.

Terus dia keluar, eh ngeliat saya. Dadah dadah deh. Terus tos gitu. Ngobrol sebentar, ditanya ini siapa, sambil nunjuk adik saya. Saya bilang adik saya. Wah mirip ya katanya. Terus ngobrol lagi agak lamaan. Nanya filmnya gimana, terus kuliah dimana, terus dia juga bilang katanya masih ngantuk karena baru dari Bandung terus !nsert dulu. Saya cuma manggut-manggut aja. Abis gemeteran. Terus foto deh. Cuma sekali. Goyang lagi. Hiks. Gapapa deh dari pada ga ada.

Terus pamit pulang deh. Terus tos lagi, eh tau-tau ada Ringgo keluar dari smoking room bilang "Eeeeeh." Nengok ke dia semua. Terus dia bilang lagi "Itu masih mudaaa!" -_- terus saya mau turun. Mungkin gerakannya salah kali ya soalnya adik saya juga nyangkainnya saya mau foto sm Ringgo. Terus Ringgo-nya bilang "Ada apa?" "Engga. Mau turun." "Eh ada apa?" Saya kira tadi dia ga denger kata-kata saya jadi saya ulang deh "Mau turun." "Eh bukan, barusan ngomong ke kak omeshnya." -_-

Terus saya makan dulu, pas makan baru sadar, ternyata Ringgo sm Fedi Nuril aslinya ganteng pisan. Saya baru sadar juga saya lupa foto bareng. Saya baru sadar saya nyesel. Hiks. Gapapa deh. Ananda Omesh yang penting.

Ga sia-sia bolos kuliah di H-2 UTS.

Sekian dan terimakasih. Sampai jumpa di lain kesempatan.
Salam omesporlaip!

"Haruskah aku pergi, salahkah bila ku disini tak peduli keadaannya?"

2010-10-21T20:57:00.005+07:00

Halo!
Box of things that left unsaid. berubah loh. Layoutnya lebih tepatnya. Header, colors, & background semuanya dirubah. Coba saya ga pake template lama, pasti susunan layout total dirubah semua sekalian.

Dan saya minta maaf yang sebesar-besarnya karena saya lebih banyak posting pakai bahasa indonesia akhir-akhir ini. Ini gila sekali, kemampuan menulis saya yang sudah parah itu menurun, jadi parah sekali. Sulit menulis dengan bahasa baku, apalagi pake bahasa inggeris.

Terus apa ya. Apa ya. Itu aja deh. Lagi terlalu banyak yang bisa diceritakan. Nanti kebanyakan. Tunggu stabil aja dulu biar tidak terlalu bawel jadinya.
Oh iya kalau ada yang bingung di header itu gambar apa, itu gambar koala. Dengan muka innocentnya. Kenapa saya pilih koala? Karena... Saya dulu pernah memberikan dia julukan koala, karena kebiasaannya yang makan tidur. Haha. Lempar saja saya dengan batu bata biar sadar detik ini juga.

Cheers & tears.
PC.

P.S: Sedikit petikan untuk keadaan terakhir tentang isu terakhir.
Aditya Wedhatama, teman sekelas saya, 6 Oktober 2010: "Saran dari aku sih ya, ini kan baru sehari, jalanin aja dulu tunggu seminggu gitu, nanti diliat gimana enaknya apa lebih enak sekarang apa gimana."
Ini sudah lebih dari dua minggu, dan ini tidak enak. Sama sekali. Tapi apa guna, kan apa yang saya mau dan saya rasa tidak akan mengubah semuanya.

"I'm running fast, as fast as I can, to get you back, just to get you back again."

2010-10-20T23:43:00.005+07:00

We need to talk.

& hell yeah I'm still not over you.
& I know that you know that.

"I wanna be new & different, anything I'm not."

2010-10-20T00:23:00.004+07:00

Sudah banyak pihak yang menyuruh saya berubah.
Disuruh jadi lebih perempuan, katanya.

Jadi, saya disuruh memanjangkan rambut, mencari baju-baju yang bukan sekedar kaos cowo di dalam hoodie dan ripped jeans serta flip flop, bersikap jauh lebih perempuan, bicara pelan-pelan, dan yang paling sulit dari semuanya, berhenti mengucapkan kata-kata kasar.

Tolong baim ya allah.

"Tell me that things will turn out right."

2010-10-17T11:15:00.003+07:00

Hi, universe :}
I just spent my first weekend without my parents here in Bandung. I know its super lame since I've been here for about, idk, 2 months? But yeah, there's gotta back something that makes me go back to Jakarta or got my parents catching up here so, this is the first! & how did I spend it? By working on my fuckin english assignment. Damn you, self. Damn you.

So what happened lately?
This is quite funny since actually I have TONS to tell but idk where to start & yet idk how to say it right so, yeah. Anyway, I had typhoid, AGAIN! Oh gosh it was goooood, but boring. When I came back here in Bandung, I faced tons of assignments & the fact that mid term test is a week away. Yayness. In sarcastic way.

& I started to miss Jakarta. Just like the old time, I came back to realize that this is not where I belong. The whole living alone thing is definitely not what I can do. I'm a mess, at some sorta ways, & I need my family to keep me in a good track. & few days I go I felt super alone I even spent it walking around for about 3 hours around Bandung. All by myself. I got into a public trans without knowing where I want to go. There are times when you know there's nothing that can beat your old friends. I miss my guys & how fun they are.

Dont get me wrong, my friends here are SUPERB. With all capitals. The more I know them the more fun they got. The funny thing is I just realized that I hang out with boys A LOT. Last friday, I stuck with a bunch of guys doing futsal. I did nothing but sitting outside the field tho, just watched them playing. When they finished & started to chat, I just realized that I was the only girl. Lmao. That is fun.

& oh, the moving on proces..
Well, I've never been good at that :)

Cheers & tears
PC.

"Winds blowing lightly and I picture you.."

2010-10-10T22:51:00.000+07:00

Saya labil ya. Labil ya saya.
Dua post terakhir saya bekukan dengan alasan tertentu. Sebagai gantinya, saya buat catch-up post super singkat ini.

Sekarang saya single. Lagi.
Alasannya, anggap saja memang sulit diteruskan.
Setidaknya untuk saat ini.

Selamat malam, alam semesta & isinya.
Terimakasih Tuhan, atas segala rencana yang telah engkau siapkan.

"We were just making the poorest excuses like we all do."

2010-10-02T22:15:00.002+07:00

"Pengorbanan seharusnya gak usah dihitung2 dalam menjalin hubungan."
- Adzan Fajar Maulana

"Do you care? I dont know."

2010-09-15T20:33:00.002+07:00

I.
C: "Emang cowo mau dengerin kalo gue ngomong?"
Rendi: "Ya tergantung cowonya cen."
Amung: "Cowonya lagi pake iPod lo ajak ngomong."

II.
"Yang dicuekin mesti sabar, yang cuek juga mesti tau diri⁠."
- M. Taufik Ismail.

"Its gonna feel tougher, each & everyday."

2010-09-11T23:20:00.000+07:00

Hello, Jake.
Hi. How are you. How you doin. I hope you're doin good. Me is fine. Well, fine has a better definition since you went away. But its been, good. Better. I guess. So, yeah. Well, I know this is weird to write stuff that you can't read but, heck.

God why am I dong this.

Its been 4 months isn't it? Plus six days. Can't believe I'm strong enough to do all this without you. But right now, at this moment, I wish you were here. Cause if you were, you'd try to convince me that I didn't pick the wrong guy for the millionth time, that this guy is worth my while. I badly need to hear that, since I got nothing to believe.

I miss you. I badly, seriously do. If you were here right now, we'd probably will be talking via phone about this guy, that guy, & you. You'd probably will be saying stuff about a girl slash your next victim. I'd probably will be listening to you singing kelsey all over again. We'd probably will be planning another part of our future, you & me, & say stuff about whatever will be, will be. If we're meant to be, we'd get there someday. But yeah, we never will.

Life has been hard currently. & a phone call would be nice. God how I desperately want a phone call from anyone. & you, please, come back alive. & I know that sounds silly, so let me just rephrase it into: please, come. At least in my dream.

That's all what I wanna say, it sure fun to let you know what happened. I know you're watching up there. I hope you're doin good, again. Take care : )

I love you too.
J.

"But you shine, you shine so much brighter."

2010-09-07T04:41:00.000+07:00

I stopped listening to Honey, Let Me Sing You A Song by Matt Hires a couple of days ago when my priority changed. Before that day, I used to listen to this for one or two hours nonstop & I never thought that I'll be typing this post with my phone while listening to it again : )

So I'm not gonna say 'What am I gonna write today' because I know exactly what I want to write but as usual since I can't write I just don't know how. But, yeah I'll try.

Couple of days ago, something huge happened. Even for me, or anyone who lives around where I now live in who sure sees this coming, that one is still a big thing. & that's even bigger when you're my old friend from different cities, or you live miles away from me, or, well you know. Some gave the excitements, some gave the disappointments, some just don't care. What's with the disappointments? That's what I'm gonna write, bytheway.

First of all, isn't it funny how people talk? I mean once you fall for a bad guy, they'll say "Hey, stop chasing him. You deserve someone better. Go find another guy." & when you find another guy, they'll go "Really? New guy already?" Like, god what do you want.

But anyway, that's not actually my point : ) last night, I talked to Candle about this, & she said the more people are arguing about this, the more she feels unsure. I usually will just say bite me to words she says, but this time she's right. There's a big side effect because of this, one that caused another sleepless night but this time, not a self-harm. Candle is not being a bitch by just second-guessing things I did, she just feels that this is not what I gotta do. But, this is what I wanna do, yet what I need to do.

So what now? Idk, give me something to believe in. Show me that you care. Make me think that I need this too. Correction: make me think that we BOTH need this. That I didn't make any wrong decisions. That I didn't just left someone that literally means world to me to some random guy that I just knew for few weeks. That I picked you for some reasons, good ones. That you worth all this.

& as this post turned from a daily write about what I feel to a message to someone I badly need to be convinced with, & as the song is getting faster in my ears, I'm trying to fully disappear. Something that I've been trying to do for ages but I never did cause its harder than it looks. & it looks like this is gonna happen this time. I'll try not to say anything until I got the proofs that I need.

So if you're looking for where I am right now, prove that I did a right thing, & you'll find me : )

Now, who's the bad guy?
Cheers & tears,
PC.

P.S: Hi guys, this is Candle, & if you're looking for someone to blame for all this, I'll take all the blames. Its just, well you know the feeling when you just don't want things to get to the wrong line? She's miserable already : ) just prove that she's right. That's what she need.

"I believe you, when you tell me there is still a silver lining."

2010-09-05T09:38:00.004+07:00

Hello, readers.
Typing this from Jakarta, I'm back. The internet connection is fucked up down there plus the assignments really washed away all the have fun time so I cant post as much as I used to. Got a 2 week dayoffs for this Lebaran thingy, quite excited about some stuff and the other. So what happened lately?

Typing this while listening to Brighter Lights by HeyHiHello! on repeat, something is definitely going on. But first of all, I gotta say that I damn love my new class : ) when I first stepped into the class, I was in my 'depressing phase' because of all the break up issue, so I got a bit anti social, but then it changed & I started to hang with couple of guys & the girls & its all funtastic. I spent the last Monday - Friday nights with some of them outside my place, which is amazing for someone like me if you know me better. I have one super close girl bestfriend, few good girl-friends, & just like the old times in Jakarta, I got several great guys too. While the rest of the class continue on giving me the joy of being in that absurd class; the girls are all nice, the boys are all damn funny. This is freakin amazing : )

Outside the class life, this living-alone thingy started to feel, good. Its not that I'm enjoying being miles away from mom, its just I started to not taking this in a sad way. No more cries at night about being homesick. In fact, I can do whatever I want! I came back to my place at around 9 from Mon to Fri, something that I've never done here in Jakarta : D & the life of university is fun, but the assignment & the subjects are getting on my nerves. Again. I can hardly pick up something from the Calculus class (which is sad because the teacher is too nice to us). & the distance from my place to the campus is about 15 mins by walking. & yes, I have to LITERALLY walking to get there. It sucks when you have the 3 pm class cause the sun is just like its going to make me melt or else. Its good tho, a week in there got me lost 4 kg. Yeah, its amazing : D

So, whats up behind the Brighter Lights song?
Nothing. GOT YOU. K I was kidding.
I dont know how to write this in a good, simple, un-cheesy way but, heck I dont even know how to write. The reason why writing this one wont be easy is because it will hurt some people, include me in fact, & I just cant take the risk of being hated by more people anymore. God I lost my point. K so the thing is, now I have this guy to make my days even better. Thank you, D : )

So thats all that I gotta say today, gotta catch up with some new things & first thing first, SHOWER! I miss my bathroom so friggin bad. Catch up later in a few days, readers. Hope you have a good weekend!

Cheers & tears.
PC. & CF. Both are writing.

P.S: In case some of you just didn't get what I mean; lolyeah people, I have a friggin new boyfriend : )

P.P.S: As I told you before, this may not be a good news for some people so, believe me, I'm having a hard time doing & making a decision about this as well. I just do what I think I gotta do, & I think this is what I gotta do. & you, yeah you, please don't hate me. Cause if you do, no matter who I'm with, I can hardly be happy. Thanks for being so nice, & I hope you'll still do.

"I can explain if you're listening.."

2010-09-02T13:06:00.001+07:00

What's worth a big, deep cut on your left arm?
When you're stuck between your amazingly adorable ex that's few steps away from getting back together with you & your annoyingly adorable crush that probably doesn't even like you : )

"Untuk siapa perang ini kumenangkan?"

2010-08-28T02:10:00.000+07:00

1:31 am.
Saat gue mulai membuat sebuah post dalam bahasa indonesia (walaupun ujungnya dicampur2 juga) & bahkan harus menggunakan kata 'gue' instead of 'saya', berarti gue lagi galau. 60 jam target tanpa tidur gue baru aja selesai tapi gue masih harus bangun sampe jam 3. So here we go.

Gue juga gatau sih mau nulis apa sekarang. Haha.

Jadi, banyak hal yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini. Iya, setelah putus yang gue bilang 'banyak hal yang terjadi' juga. Beberapa berdampak kecil, beberapa berdampak cukup besar. Awalnya, ya putus dari si mantan terakhir itu. Dari yang tadinya mulai dari nangis gara2 homesick sampe ada semut di kamar kosan aja gue selalu nyalahin 'coba gue ga putus', sekarang udah mulai bisa berenti diem, nungguin faceb, terus nangis. Walau masih kesel gila2an juga kalo inget putus gara2 gue yang terlalu tolol. Njir, idiot abis lo cen. Tapi apa ya, things are better this way, somehow. Gamau munafik juga kalo emang ada kesempatan balikan, ya gue pasti lah mau balikan lagi. Tapi everything stays the same anyway. Emang ga 100% sama semua, tapi secara garis besar, sejak penggebetan awal setahun yang lalu, sampe abis putus sekarang, ga ada yang berubah dari cara kita ngomong ke satu sama lain kok. Kalo kata iklan pasir, whatever will be, will be : )

Dan gue mulai ngerasa kehilangan banyak orang. Not literally tho, tapi jaraknya, makin gila. Gue cuma punya beberapa temen cewe yang bener-bener deket, & Bey is one of them & kemarin, she left for Belanda (good luck for you there bytheway!). & oktober nanti, temen gue dari gue kelas 3 SD, Galang Hendriano bakal menjelajah benua di selatan. Gila loh, kita udah temenan dari gue masih pake rok di perut & dia masih bulet kaya bola. Dari yang rumahnya sebelahan sampe beda benua. Emang mungkin kedengerannya lebay, karena walaupun mereka berdua beda benua tapi ada teknologi juga, cyber world & stuff, tapi tetep aja. Pisahnya itu loh.

Gue juga kangen banyak banget orang. & to begin with, definitely Jake. Udah lewat 3 bulan sejak J ga ada. Akhir2 ini mulai ada distraction dari kanan kiri sih, jadi udah ga secengeng dulu, tapi kadang, gimana ya, kalo lagi inget pasti bawaannya mau nangis. Dulu, kalo malem, pasti ada yang nelfonin, nyanyi Kelsey. Yang lucu juga kalau orang nanya kenapa Canada? Gue jawab dulunya Sydney. Kenapa Sydney? Karena J. Kenapa sekarang Canada? Karena J juga. Hahaha.

Terus, inget inget lagi kalo sejak kuliah gue berubah. Jadi lebih pendiem. Kalo kata nyokap, lebih dewasa. Entah pengaruh kuliah atau pengaruh putus, tapi emang sekarang di kampus, gue bukan anak yang kaya sma dulu. Anak yang sampe seantero sekolah kenal saking pecicilannya. Gue, well, pendiam. & looking back, lucu juga kalo ngeliat dulu gue bisa gebet orang sampe satu sekolah tau, frontal total, & sekarang, cuma dipendem. Diem. Sabar. Iya. Pelan-pelan. Gatahan sih. Tapi mau bilang apa? Toh orangnya juga nganggep invisible. Ea curhat.

Termasuk self-harm gue, yang ujungnya jadi jauh lebih ekstrim. Ga makan berhari-hari, langsung ditimpa double shots. Ga tidur berhari-hari. Papercuts. Papercuts fgs! Sekarang yang gue tau, selain jiwa gue yang mau mati, perut & tangan kiri gue juga udah mulai nyerah kayanya. Candle juga berubah sekarang. Jadi lebih tenang.

& setelah ketikan sepanjang ini, masih ada satu jam lagi sampai jam tiga. & setelah ketikan sepanjang ini, gue masih belum mengungkapkan dengan jelas inti utama kegalauan gue. A guy that I have a crush on but thinks I'm a complete moron, weirdo & invisible. Lucu, untuk seseorang yang dikenal sama seluruh sekolah selama SMA, bisa dianggap invisible sama seseorang.

Gue gatau harus bilang apa untuk orang yang satu itu. Tapi saat ini, I'm not looking for a fresh wound. I was about to close the old one : )

Maaf telah membuat bosan dengan ketikan super panjang & pointless gue, tapi entah kenapa cuma ini yang bisa bikin gue lega saat ini. Seenggaknya.

Have a good night, readers.
Perdana Computeria : )

"I thought I have a brain I dont seem to have one."

2010-08-27T16:18:00.002+07:00

I already made a super friggin long post but then I suddenly deleted all of them. Idiot. So now my mood is fucked up. Here you go:

- Haven't been sleeping for 50 hours right now, so its 10 more hours to go. & haven't eaten anything as well for the same amount of hours. & made some cuts last night. Little cuts. My arm looks amaaaazing.

- Don't feel the homesick any longer, things started to feel like a habit. Still miss my mom, but not as big as I used to. Will go back to Jakarta tomorrow to catch up with the new squad of MPK!

- College has been nice. My class definitely knows how to have fun. The girls are all nice, the boys are all funny. While those who came from the same high school as I do, could make me laugh even harder. But damn you calculus class!

- I'm currently being sick definitely because of the eating & sleeping issues, & I supposed to take some meds but I don't have any since someone told me he'll remind me to buy some meds but he didn't so its not moi fault isn't it? : )

- I have a crush on a guy who definitely thinks I'm invisible. That's worth few cuts isn't it?

Forgot all the things that I wrote so, that's all. Hope you guys a great day! & oh, one more thing; J, please come back alive you idiot.

Cheers & tears,
Perdana Computeria.

"And now I don't know how much more that I can take."

2010-08-25T19:47:00.001+07:00

I'm really good at expecting things that will never happen.

Looking at these past few times, I made the same mistake all over again; expecting things. I always take every signals seriously, when I know exactly no one would hitting on me (who do you think you are, dumbass). Whoa, I'm getting straight to the point.

& I know I should stop looking through the positivity lens since everything will be super bright & I will expect more things. I should think the opposite, the gloomy, bad things. Why? Because that way, I'll stop expecting things.

Fuck it with being positive. Pain comes with it, when you thought everything seems so bright but then things went nothing like you want. At all.

I need to stop crushing on someone.

"Cause youre big on the inside, small on the outside."

2010-08-23T19:02:00.002+07:00

HELLO UNIVERSE.
I'M BEING AWESOME. I MEAN I HAVE AN AWESOME LIFE. SUPER AWESOME LIFE. K, caps off. But seriously, its been 2 days & these past two days has been SUPER AWESOME. There I go again. Why. What. Who. How. When. Where. Herrrrrrre we go.

220810 was THE BEST day ever. I could go on with telling you why the day was awesome, but there was 2 biggest highlights. The first one was around 3 am, I checked my twitter & found out that Jenny Wade replied my tweet!!!! ITS JENNY WADE FGS, THIS JENNY WADE, the prettiest creature on earth. You may recalled her face from Reaper, one of my fave tv shows. He got the role as Nina, a female demon who dated a human named Benjamin & fyi, Nina & Ben are my fave tv couple EVERRRRRRRR.

Then later, I went to Trans TV building to watch Indonesia Mencari Bakat, or basically just the host, the gorgeous Ananda Omesh, the one that has his name on my blog url. We (me & the group) didnt get any seat so we had to stand up for 4 friggin hours. In the middle of the show, during the commercial breaks, the crowd was screaming his name & seeing other fans always make me feel so, idk, beaten. One lucky girl got invited to the stage & stuff, & I almost cried. Few minutes later, he suddenly said "Hey Candle!" OMFG HE REMEMBERED ME. HE RECOGNIZED ME. OMG. OMFG. & the front crowd starred at me like "Whaaaat?" Oh I love the expression. He also waved at me one more time later, & smiled at me when I starred at him with no blinking. I, am the biggest fan of Ananda Omesh, girls. Period.

The awesomeness continued later today, when I finally got along with the kids in my class & laughed at some inside jokes. & talked to people. & & & &, oh just, I love my class. Beside the whole class thing, the guy! What guy? Lol, I just cant tell you much stuff about this without blowing the whole operation ;)

Basically, I'm having such a great time, yet I still cant find it enough to distract me from all the things that happened lately. I just wish I could actually moving on for real by saying "I want to move on, goddamn it." Tried once. Didnt work. Hell yeah you damn idiot. & bytheway on the other super random side, I'm craving for some burger kings. F this place.

Hope you guys have some great times! Inside, & outside : )
Cheers & tears.
PC : )

"Waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible to, everything's reminded me of you."

2010-08-19T22:53:00.000+07:00

Hello readers.
This is the third day of this whole living alone thing that I gotta do for my blur future. Seriously. Bluuuuur. I actually wrote a post on the 1st day but that was too emotional. But it was worth a post tho, will post that one day.

So how's things been?
Good. Not that good but, good. Just broke my old records by staying awake for 6 days. Six freakin days people! Well not fully 6 days, I cheated on the 4th, I guess, by sleeping for about 3 minutes. So, why did I sleep? Well, this morning, at 6 am, I was extreeeemely tired but I gotta prepared to go to the campus, but I was too lazy to move so I decided to waited for more minutes. & more. & more. & 15 minutes later.. GOD I WAS LATE. That 15 minutes sleep that ruined my whole record was a bastard.

& for the rest, I just decided to write it in a short paragraph cause, I just feel like it. Home sick thingy, well I don't like it here. College, having trouble making friends, spotted some cute guys who unfortunately think I'm completely invisible. Great. & the post break up thingy, well, I just have to learn that once you break up, things won't stay the same, & I gotta deal with it.

Will leave for Jakarta tomorrow. I cried on the 1st day because of that damn homesick, plus the break up thingy, so I'm really really excited.

& oh, playlist for these few days: lights out dancing - worth the wait, mads langer - fact fiction, better than ezra - absolutely still, maroon 5 - misery.

Peace from all the unstable kids all over the world.
PC.

P.S: miley cyrus - i hope you find it. & oh, this is for you.

"Celakanya hanya kaulah yang benar-benar aku tunggu,"

2010-08-13T22:27:00.006+07:00

Saya gatau mau nulis apa sekarang.
Bukan karena ga ada bahan, tapi justru terlalu banyak yang ingin dituangkan. Terlebih saya memutuskan menggunakan bahasa saya sendiri, yang berarti kemungkinan saya untuk bercerita banyak akan sangat besar. Tapi ternyata, saya tetap ga bisa bilang apa-apa. Untuk hal yang satu ini, yang berhubungan dengan makhluk yang satu ini.

Barusan saya blogwalking, ngeliat blog-blog tetangga, lagi musim putus, patah hati. Hahaha. Kok bisa sama sih? Patah hati nya mungkin. Putusnya, saya harap engga. Plis saya harap engga. Saya lebih mau semua masalah yang ada selesai dengan baik & hubungan saya membaik lagi, lebih dari saya mau signed posternya Mystery Jets sekarang.

Banyak yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini. Mungkin ga banyak, tapi emang sayanya aja yang drama queen. Drama queen yang egois tepatnya, kalau kata pacar saya (sekarang, anggap saja saya masih punya pacar & mudah-mudahan emang masih). Saya cuma mau dunia tau masalah saya, tapi saya ga pernah bersedia buat meluangkan waktu mendengarkan masalah orang lain & berbagi drama. Saya juga ga bisa menghargai cerita & sudut pandang orang lain, saya selalu melihat semuanya dari mata saya. Saya egois ya? Iya saya tau.

Kata ibu saya, saya itu sok kuat. Dalam kasus tertentu, sekali lagi yang berhubungan dengan makhluk yang satu ini, iya. Apa yang akan saya ketik sekarang akan sangat bertolak belakang dengan post terakhir saya, & juga beberapa lovenotes yang saya buat di kosan saya. Saya bertindak seakan-akan saya kuat, saya ga peduli sama apa yang bakalan terjadi, saya ga peduli dia mau ngapain juga, saya ga peduli. Saya juga bertindak seakan-akan ga akan ada apa-apa kalau dia sampe beneran pergi. Saya salah.

Saya baru saja melakukan hal terbodoh yang pernah saya lakukan seumur hidup, mengorbankan hubungan saya dengan seseorang yang udah saya perjuangkan (sayangnya, hubungannya belum selama itu) hampir setahun terakhir, hanya karena sifat kebocahan saya yang berpikir pendek tanpa mau mendiskusikan masalah dengan orang yang bersangkutan.

Saya mau minta maaf. Saya sudah minta maaf. Saya akan terus minta maaf. Sampe saya dimaafkan. Bocah ya? Saya ga peduli. Setahun bukan waktu yang sebentar. Saya ga akan membiarkan semua usaha saya hilang gitu aja gara-gara satu tindakan bodoh yang saya lakuin tanpa pikir panjang.

Saya udah bilang banyak yang terjadi akhir akhir ini?
& saya butuh banyak hal untuk meredam dampak dari hal-hal ini.
& saya yakin, putus adalah hal terakhir yang saya inginkan.

----
Sesaat setelah saya selesai mengetik post ini, saya resmi putus.

"Turn back the clock. Give me some time. I need to break out."

2010-08-11T20:07:00.004+07:00

It took me an hour just to find the great words to start this post.

Have you ever told people about your stuff & then waited for them to give what their point of views on what you should do? What if what they said were way too different with what you want to do? How many times you'd go with your mind anyway?

I cant find the way to write this post without losing its point of what I wanted to say in the first place, but its about how your heart beats the shit out of your logic.

Its when you asked for help to your closest one, because you have no idea what the hell are you doing. Its when the person that you asked for help, told you the exact same thing that your logic told you to do. Its when the person you asked for help, told you the opposite thing with what your heart wanted you to do.

Its when you'd go for your heart anyway, even when you know its bad for you.

Because whoever & whatever that is that tells you what you should do, its your life, & you're the one who will live it, you're the one who'll do the thing, the work. Cause it doesnt matter how good that is for you, your heart will always be the selfish one to control everything, persuades you with all the good things that you'll get during the process. But unfortunately, not the result.

Like when you're having a bad boyfriend, & you know you should get over him, & your closest one asked you to break up, & no matter how bad your brain's thinking about how many pains you got during the dating time, your heart will always be too in love to let it go. You let yourself suffer all over again.

This post isnt about tell you that you should think everything ahead with all the risk & stuff ahead, cause me myself cant do it as well. I suck at realizing that I did horrible things to myself. I dont even know why I'm writing this at the moment other than realizing that I've been such a moron for not listening to people around me.

Cause when its all too late, all you could do is, realizing that you've been such a moron for not listening to people around you.

You have a full control of what you want to do, yet you also have a full control to stop what you want to do at the first place. You will feel what you tell yourself to feel, you wont let your guard down unless you tell yourself to let it down. You may have your own way to live the life, you may have your own decision for your next move, you may hang on to it really strong, but when someone tells you something that you know exactly will be good for you, you have to share the thought with your entire system cause you could, make it sounds good for your heart too.

After all the minutes I spent typing the post,
saying is easy, still.

At times like this I only wish for nothing but catching up with Jake even if that means I should be where he is right now.

"I was a fool to think someday you would come around."

2010-08-11T19:32:00.007+07:00

Miracle doesnt exist.
I'm a moron.
& this isnt gonna work out.

"When you feel so tired but you cant sleep. Stuck in reverse."

2010-08-07T20:31:00.004+07:00

If I could be really good at one thing, it would be looking like a fool by keep falling for you & cant face the reality that what really happened was not what I want things to happened. & for the whole world to know, I need a big slap on the face that I dont even have the right to be sad since you're way out of my league.

Eventou I'm so seeing that coming, it still hurts.
Thanks.

"I'd like to think I'm a mess, you'd wear with pride."

2010-07-29T17:52:00.004+07:00

Will leave Jakarta in a few days & a week. I need a whole new start. I need a reset button. I even wish I could suddenly lost contact with people that I dont want to keep contact with. I want to be new. I wish it could happen.

Currently filling up my last.fm account with Psych soundtracks. Loving one from Mr. Yin Presents called "I Go To The Barn Because I Like The". Memorable, remarkable, well it made me cry at the end of Psych so, Bingo.

Overall, I dont wanna leave Jakarta.
My boyf told me he never heard of people that having trouble with moving outside the town. Well, neither did I. I always dreamed of my parents letting me to go out just like what my friends normally do, now I just wish to stay with my mom. But I gotta go anyway.

& oh, I have the best boyfriend anyone could ever asked for : ]

"No one ever said it will be this hard. Oh take me back to the start."

2010-07-21T20:59:00.006+07:00

Have you ever feel like posting lots & lots of stuff but then you don't know what to write eventou you have tons of things sitting in the tip of your tounge? I'm feeling it.

Considering that I'm trying my all to write every single thing, this post is going to be a long, boring, & whiny one.

I shouldn't bring things up again, bringing up unimportant issues which actually dont matter that much, its just me being all drama when its so clear that what I need to do is being an all-grown up & stop making such a big deal out of a no big deal probs. I should have let things go. I should just leave all those question marks because some riddles better left unsolved. & these questions are ones of those which I should just leave without waiting for the answers.

I shouldn't ask for many things anymore. He's done much things already, & he actually doesnt have to do stuff that he doesnt want to, like all this. I should stop asking him to do things, when its clear enough I dont even deserve to be in this position, to have him as mine. Or at least thats what I think.

I should have known that remade the sparks is not an easy business.

You mean too much to me I even could let go things if that's what you want.
& by things, it includes you.

If you ask for it, I'll let you go.

"I cant be anything without you."

2010-07-19T12:54:00.005+07:00

Its funny how things changed.

Like two years ago, I wrote sloppy daily stories.
Now, I write in English & create cheesy lovenotes.

One and a half years ago, my favorite show was Stacked.
Now, I can't stop watching Psych.

Five years ago, all I did when being miserable is cry.
Now, I have scissors sitting right next to where I sleep.

Three months ago, my future meant Sydney & Jake.
Now, I crossed Sydney & I wrote Canada instead.

& Its funnier how things stay the same.

Like a year ago I was nothing to you.
& now I still am.

"If you were a cover, you'd be Fergie's Quando Quando Quando; disappointing."

2010-07-14T21:50:00.007+07:00

Instead of being a single cover track with flaws on each,
You'd be a combination of all, creating a great, flawless playlist.

‎"The books &movies just wanna see the happy ending story. Like they dont know it wasnt happen all the time."

2010-07-13T20:42:00.005+07:00

205 days ago
I wish I could be werewolf instead of vampire :)
Whats up with the vampire? You'll get kstew, your girl, & the girls!
Yeah I get them all but not you cause you prefer werewolf :)

Seeing how we are now, its hard to believe we've been there before.

"You can do better than me / but I can't do better than you."

2010-07-08T16:46:00.007+07:00

I'm sorry for making you do all this. Now I feel bad cause I feel like I pushed you to do this, to do what I want, not what we want, cause it seems like this is not what you're looking for.

I still am trying to be a grown-up by stop acting childish, babbling too much, speaking unnecessary, showing too much drama, & all the annoying behavior that I know for sure you hate. I still am trying to respond to all the silly things that you do, the world cup excitement that you have, to be fun like you, cause you also hate the boring me. But unfortunately, all the efforts that I did ain't giving a good result, yet. But I still am trying.

I'm sorry.
& thanks a lot.

P.S: Good luck for a year ahead : )

"Depressive people are more honest with themselves than mentally healthy people."

2010-07-05T19:10:00.005+07:00

Too tired to type. Too many things happened.
Few recaps from a few days. Figure out how to find out more.

Its been two months since this happened ; I finished watching the first season of this season ; currently watching the first season & will continue to the next season of this show ; me & him are getting some changes ; my fave band's newest live session & the drummer's damn good ; a birthday of one of the closest guys tomorrow ; a birthday of an ex love at the same day ; I found something in a cover of deadly smile

"Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry."

2010-07-02T03:42:00.001+07:00

Hello its 3:11 down here & I can hardly sleep.
I'm kidding. I just got up but yes, I can hardly sleep ever since. Typing this under my blanket with my phone, I'm pretty much look silly. Well, I always do.

Lots to tell. Like, really lots. In every single aspect of it. Well, the typhoid's getting better but it stays, still. The spinning head effect that bothers a lot. Still spending the rest of the holiday sleeping on the bed doing nothing but dvd marathon. Hardly come out but to my lovely wallstreet since there's a contract that I'm hooked to.

Speaking of coming out, I just watched Eclipse two days ago. Lucky enough to watch it in the very first day. Not to crowded on the line, but it was pretty full. What bothered me so much was the fuckin teenagers down there. Well, me too is a teenager, but not that cheesy. I mean, they clapped when its not even a good part of it, gasped every time Jacob Black made an entrance, & screamed when Bella asked Jacob to kiss her. Argh. But the film was, beyond words. I mean, finally, after that disappointing New Moon, Eclipse was way much better. Hate the fact that this is an Edward movie, I wish they'll use a good director in Breaking Dawn since its also a Jake's part. Ladies, I love Jacob Black, not Lautner. Thank you.

Speaking of Jacob, the film definitely made me miss my Jakey a lot. Yes, my own Jakey. Its ironic cause few days ago I just opened my email account, the one that I abandoned since J hospitalized, found J's email, telling me that he's way better & he'll be in Sydney in two days. It was sent a day before he died. & I just found that out days ago. This is ironic. I mean what if I rushed to open the email right when he sent it & a day after I had to take the fact that he's gone?

I actually have any other left to tell, but this post is getting boring & I'm getting sleepy all over again, so one more. Told you I spent my days with dvds, slowly watching Lie To Me & White Collar, & they made it to my fave 5 tv shows. & I just realized now I'm so into police procedural tv series. But nothing, nothing can beat Psych EVERR. I finished watching all 4 seasons ended yesterday, & started my marathon from season 1 all over again this morning. Thinking about buying some more dvds, listed all detective series & small number of sitcoms.
K I now this is a very long post that's why I'm gonna stop here. Sorry for the lack of colors, told you I'm typing with my phone.

Cheers & tears,
CF.

P.S: Me & my boyf's, getting better. Yet getting worse at the same time. Sometimes, he's just too good I feel so lucky that I'm actually dating him, sometimes, well yeah the other way around.

P.P.S: Have you ever, like someone just because that person is super hot so you like checking him/her out but you don't wanna mess with? Oh yeah, I have. I have mine. & if you wanna know, he's hot with capital letters. But I'm too tired to hit the shift buttons.

"I just keep wondering. Like, what if I’d made a different choice?"

2010-06-27T15:16:00.006+07:00

Hello, readers. Its a nice beautiful sunday isnt it? WRONG. Its been an exhausting week. A lot of things happened, got the bad mood around a whole week. Some good things happened tho, but still not enough to clear all the bad other stuffs.

The highlight will be typhoid definitely, which turns out to be still in me cause now my temperature's so high I feel like my sheet just got ironed. That high. Probably something I ate, & when I supposed to have some rest, I didnt, which made things a lot worse. Last week was a hectic one, & it didnt stop this week. Lots of things to do. My body's getting weaker. As much as I hate to sound like a whining bitch & I loooove being sick, typhoid is the other thing. I hate this since I even can barely move my body.

& I got my first ok-continue-but-focus-on-grammar yesterday. It was my 5th encounter. At unit 39. Its 5th & unit 39 FGS, I know I could have done better. Keep talking to myself & making an excuse that I didnt feeling well that day, but still its not even an excuse. My English IS that bad. What made it worse is yesterday's toefl test. Cant answer those easily. My English sucks, I knew it, sorry.

The only good things for this week is the Serotonin Session of Mystery Jets, my number 1 fave band in the entire world. It was somekind of their live session, playing songs from their upcoming album, Serotonin. Just finished downloading the Serotonin one, & cant stop playing it ever since. So far, Serotonin has been really satisfying, I mean from the singles. Cant wait to get a copy of Serotonin! & by the way, you can see the Serotonin Session videos here for Serotonin, & here for The Girl Is Gone. Kapil's super skill & Kai's good looking face caught my attention, a lot. Especially when I found out that the whispering high voice in Serotonin was Kai's, not Blaine's. Me is happy.

And the second thing is I just bought some dvds; Castle, Lie to Me, How I Met Your Mother, White Collar (that officially became my current fave tv show since I finished watching all Psych episodes), definitely PSYCH :D :D :D Finally watched the Yin & Yang episodes, & cried at both ending. I should stop crying at every Psych's emotional ending. But still.

Thats it. Thats it? Thats it. I guess. Sorry for the lack of colors in the post but I'm typing this down and rarely looking at the screen. Seriously get well soon self.

Catch up with you guys later.
CF.

P.S: "Life is not made up of a single moment. It’s made up of a gazillion moments. What defines us is the choice you make in the next moment and the one after that. These moments, Shawn, they’re happening, they’re all around us, all the time. You’re having one right now." Henry Spencer, Pscyh 3x02. I told ya.

P.P.S: Decided not to talk about you but this again right now, & I thought I asked you too much things enough. Blame me for keep on expecting things that I shouldnt expect cause all I know is, yes I am a selfish drama queen & you've done too much. Thanks?

P.P.P.S: God, thanks to you too for the sore throat that just came in seconds ago. Thank you. Why dont you consider me being hospitalized? No this isnt a sarcasm & hospitalized is really way better :/

"I remember things, remember?"

2010-06-21T19:58:00.011+07:00

I had tons of ideas to say this,
before canceled it all for one single obvious reason.

Well, happy birthday.
Yeah that's it.

"why dont you take a gun and pull the trigger? youre killing yourself"

2010-06-20T21:37:00.002+07:00

Sometimes, it won't be too hard to catch what's going on with me :]

I just wish I could stop pretending.

Indonesian songs that I'll listen for hours without feeling sick of it.

2010-06-19T19:16:00.005+07:00

THIS. & THIS.
Any kind of versions. Quite a surprise. I know. The heck, those two are the one of the best Indonesian songs ever made :9

Cut my knees. Cut my knees. Cut my knees.

2010-06-17T19:03:00.005+07:00

Meet my emo-side quoting lyrics, here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I cut my knees. This is the first time I "had fun" with scissors, & definitely not hoping for the second time. It hurts so bad I can hardly walk. I wonder what those cutters feel when they cut their arms everytime, & those cuts are damn deep, while the scissor yesterday was only grinding on my skin. The wounds are too small. God I hate myself.

What else what else. Oh this.
I decided to back off from any social networking sites for about a week or so, beside Facebook definitely & this blog. Won't be answering any call, won't be replying any text, won't be reading any bbm. & twitter is the ultimate one. I made another account tho, but I'll use this account just too update some quotes from now playing, since some people started to hate my emo-ness on quoting song lyrics.

IELTS test on Saturday.
IELTS test on Saturday.
IELTS test on Saturday.
Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world.
CF.

PS: "DONT do anything STUPID. You know whats define as a stupid act? I dont know like, hurt your self or play with knife or scratch yourself." :]

Formspring, the bravery, & jake.

2010-06-16T15:42:00.003+07:00

Another boring recap for the last few days.
I'm so boring, I know. He told me that too.

Formspring issue.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do with these questions."
"What was your first intention when you made formspring?"
"Idk, it seems fun."
"I guess it's not fun anymore, huh?"
"Cause -censored-, I guess yes it's not fun anymore."
"Problem solved."

Currently listening to this band a lot lately. Fall in love with them all over again. Reminds me of high school life when I fell for Sam Endicott, the vocalist. The hot vocalist to be exact. Anw, listening to 'An Honest Mistake' from their first album, a song with one of the coolest MV ever. There's domino effect, I mean, literally domino effect. Click here to see. & can't stop listening to their song at Eclipse's soundtrack as well, called 'Ours'. Click here to listen to the rest of their songs.

I MISS MY JAKE.
I MISS MY JAKE.
I MISS MY JAKE.
I MISS MY JAKE.
I MISS MY JAKE.
Even the other part of me who doesn't want me & J together misses his voice too.

Peace from all unstable kids of all over the world.
CF.

Random recaps.

2010-06-13T23:58:00.005+07:00

One super smoking sexy guy in a new haircut: here.
Best band ever, at least in my opinion, new video: here.
Funniest sitcom ever, whole new season, promo: here.
Best crossover promo for tv show, ever: here.
Lots of locos & mad questions: here.
Movie I watched recently, BLOODY AWESOME: here.
Movie I watched recently, praise the main cast: here.
Trailer of an interesting upcoming movie: here.
Mood charger for a whole week: here.

How ya feeling? / The day has had its way with both of us / And no, Ive gone out of my way /But I'm not free / From this pain Im reeling / I was a fool to think some day you would come around / But no no no I'm not thinking that way / Cause now I see / You are not what you seem / You are a mystery to me / Sometimes I just wanna scream.
- Rag doll, maroon 5

World cup is happening people! Used to be a HUGE fan of soccer, like literally huge fan, seeing every matches, collecting every articles. I was mad about soccer. But then its gone, & now, for several reasons, I need to get my attention back. Some things haven't changed, like how much I love Wayne Rooney. Still ;]

A week ahead plan.
Monday need to go here for skhun.
Tuesday here for an encounter class.
Wednesday here for snmptn & here to book a class.
Thursday here for snmptn & here with mom & sis.
Friday here to pick my sister's report card.
Saturday here for an IELTS test.
Full week ahead. Fiuh.

Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world.
CF. No, its not Crazy Frog. Or Chinese Food.
NO, not Corn Flakes as well.
Center Field?? What is wrong with you guys??

PS: Thanks for giving me the second thought about living in Australia. Thanks for every single talk, in fact :P

PSS: Seriously you guys, did I ever tell you that I'm currently in a relationship? Then why ask?? & if you have something to do to that guy, why don't you just ask him directly? Why ask me just to find out if he's single or taken? Seriously what happened with you guys. Man up & ask him.

My life direction has gone ._.

2010-06-10T22:46:00.005+07:00

21:51 pm 10/06/10

I was listening to Corey TuT's Bad Romance, bored enough to keep on playing Facebook games & suddenly remembered one thing that I've been wanted to do since, that exact second. Downloading Westlife songs.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I know you guys think I'm such an idiot.
But wait until you see the songlist.
& no, I won't give it to you. Heck yeah.
No I was kidding. Use Wiki, kiddos.

That was pretty random. So I browsed the web. All hail Wikipedia. Scrolled the scroll bar, stopped, read, stopped breathing for 2 seconds. That page is such a heaveeeeeeeeen. Then I wrote this. Right now, I'm writing this, when I finally realized something; this is not what I wanted to share in the first place. So here we go!

I, accidentally, deleted, my, massive, cover, list. I told you guys before I have a super massive cover list, & the list is literally THAT huge. It contains every single song that I need to download, its like my direction to live, like my bible in hunting. & I, with all the genius-ness in my head, deleted it, with one F-in delete button. I was shocked. I stopped moving for about a minute. I can't do a thing. Its worst because I saved it in my online archive, so I cant go to that stupid recycle bin.

Man, my life would never be the same again.

Just like tonight, I've been waiting to download some songs since its Thursday & that's my weekly cover download (I'm an idiot, told ya), I wore a big smile in my face, opened the bookmark & my online archive page, & stopped. I forgot that I just, again, accidentally deleted it. Its like the sunshine that suddenly went away.

Empty....

Its my cover list. My super massive cover list. My supper massive cover bible FGS!!! & it also contains 200+ versions of Cant Take My Eyes Off You that haven't been touched. Yet. & hundreds of You Tube talents. I collected them for months.

This hurts more than my last break up. Wait I'm kidding. That hurts more.
So if you guys are wondering why do I act strange these past few days, let's just say that my life direction has gone. Forever. For good...

Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world.
Candle F.

PS: I miss talking to you :[
PSS: I miss you too, J. Calm down.

Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, breaking up, MYSTERY JETS.

2010-06-08T20:57:00.009+07:00

Hello, people! This is gonna be a super duper quick post with points & stuffs. Cause there are tons to do & if I don't make it as points, it will be an hour long for you to read. So, here we go!

1. I didn't pass the UMB test. Enough said.

2. I already found a place to stay in Bandung. It was a house, with only 3 rooms, 4 with the owner. Located right across the campus. Pretty nice. Still thinking I may not be able to live alone. Will miss my mom like hell.

3. For all the formspring people, god you guys rock. Lmao. Seriously. & If any of you guys wanna ask about that guy, you know who, all I could say is don't ask me. I'm a girl, & not a decision maker. I hope you guys catch what I mean :]

4. June 5th equals its been a month since J died. God, he's not alive for more than 30 days. No wonder I miss him THAT much. At the same day, happy birthday my 2nd fave rhotacism, Rendi! Best wishes!

5. Yes, I broke up, people. I told you. & now? Answer for yourself :]

6. My fave band, Mystery Jets is back! Get the free single here. "Flash a Hungry Smile" is super catchy with super nice lyric, while "Dreaming of Another World" is different, since William Rees takes the lead vocal. I don't really like it tho, cause I've been a big fan of THIS HOT GUY. & speaking of that hot guy, he had a different hair-do for the vid!! Ah, I love the Edward Scissorhand style, but still, this one is UBER HOT. Blaine Harrison is back to my addiction wagon.

Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world!
Candle Foxx

PS: The real me is currently lying on the bed & wishing for a train to hit & crush her. No, seriously. She's been super pathetic these days.

Hey, things end! :]

2010-06-07T11:13:00.001+07:00

I'm a total drama queen. But I'm selfish cause I cant handle anyone else's drama. I desperately need a psychiatrist. But the thing is right now, I'm nothing to you.

Trying so hard to still smile while typing this, but being single never been this bad, so, yeah.

2 hours & 9 lovenotes.

2010-06-04T20:30:00.005+07:00

00:45
If you're wondering where I am, just figure out first where have you been for this whole time of my life. Even this exact moment.

Its not like you're even there.

--

00:48
The whole world is against us, dear. Heck yeah I knew that :]
What happen next depends on how much you'll work on this. On us.

Cause if you're keep on doing this, we're going nowhere.
& the world will be happier. Unless that's what you want.
Oh, yeah, that is. I should have known.

--

00:52
Five seconds could change the whole thing.
In our case, five seconds could make us not knowing each other.

Do you regret that I didn't at least 5 seconds late back there?

--

00:56
Letters & words. Twitter. Timeline. Frozen yogurt.
Sweet things / bitter drama.
You + me is not you & me

--

01:06
I know you're up to something.
& that something can not be good.

I just know.

--

01:15
You know that happy feeling because the one you really care about suddenly pay much attention to you & you feel like the luckiest person on earth?

Remind me. Cause I forgot how good it feels.

--

01:28
You know what pathetic? Seeing people coupling up loving each other while you're dying for a lover. You know what could be way more pathetic? That, plus the fact that you're actually not single but you can't tell the world that you do.

--

01:32
I do look for other guys around, but I don't cheat. Its just a prevention from me falling too hard in case you're not taking this seriously like I do. & in my eyes, my opinion sounds pretty right.

--

01:51
I know I'm not her, but how I badly wish I were this exact moment, so you could at least just once get your eyes on me just like how you always do. To her.

Maybe, its just I'm in love too much.

2010-06-03T22:45:00.004+07:00

Howdy, Universe.

Situation's are getting weirder than ever. My heart beats faster than how it used to be. This is strange, considering there are only two strange things that I'll do: hugging my legs when one of my ex misses me, & my heart beats faster when something will happen.

& I'm currently being sick. Literally sick. Super dizzy. Bey said that the cause is my lack of sleep & eating (since I had both hours ago), but what made it worse is my I feel like my head's about to explode. Its like there are too much that I should do. What Bey said makes sense, & maybe the other reason is the massive list of my cover to-do-list, I don't know where to start.

& oh, about this cover thing, it drives me loco. I mean, yes, no one told me to hunt them down, but I do feel like I have to hunt, since I'm a cover hunter, remember? Well the thing is, I have a really massive list of what covers that I should download. They are REALLY long. You could see all kind of genres of all kind of songs. I even listed all of the versions of 'Cant Take My Eyes Off You' that I'm about to hunt tonight but I canceled after I counted the total is up to 300 versions. I even gave a disgusting look to my cover-bible, Live Lounge List, which never happened before. I'm tired of hunting covers this time, I even tired of doing something that I really love. I stopped typing 'cover' in every keyword that I put in You Tube search bar.

If I got enough of something that I really love, I really am tired of life.
I know who I am that much.

Anyway, go back to the me problem, I'm pretty sure something is happening. I mean, something happened with me. Maybe its a yes, my health is drowning down again because of these sleeping & eating things. Maybe I just don't need to be so obsessed with cover versions. Maybe, I just need to step outside my comfort zone & worrying too much.

Or maybe, its just I'm in love too much.

Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world.
Perdana Computeria :]

PS: Yes, its the real me typing. I had a really, really deep & touchy convo with Candle last night & she told me to appear as me more than showing her first in front. She just want people to know the real me so they will not surprise later.

PSS: Yes, I didn't follow your 8-hours sleeping rule. Sorry, this, is so much harder than doing what you want me to do, eventou we know that its the best for me to do.

PSSS: I finally understand the real form of love notes should be. Its a note, like a PS under your mail; it supposed to be short, yet not pointless. & its gotta be about love. I should feel it first. There's where I lost it :]

PSSSS: Chase Coy's Eight-Dollar Engagement Ring is on repeat for the last 30 minutes. I miss my J.

I gave up on the world.

2010-06-03T10:32:00.000+07:00

I'm done feeling miserable.
I'm done with the locked thoughts.
I'm done holding all the things.
I'm done losing in arguments.
I'm done fighting with the voices in my head.
I'm done being nothing.
I'm done being me.
I'm done with you.

I gave up on the world.

i / you / me.

2010-06-01T07:36:00.001+07:00

I. I
I once had the oh so perfect life, when I had that someone to listen to all of the stories that I've been into. When I could stayed up all night talking about shits that I did & how fucked up my life is. When I never tired of hearing Kelsey for every single night throu the phone. When I thought that, this could be forever.

II. You
You once made my oh so perfect life, when you listened to all the stories all night & responded to those to convinced me that you did listen. When you kept playing my fave song over & over again & never even tired of it eventou I knew you were sick of that song already. When you said all the life plans that you made, & all involved me, cause you thought, this would never happened.

III. We
We once became the most annoying unofficial couple ever existed. We once believed that we, will get there someday. Before you finally decided to die & left me.

Awake for 83 hrs, meet up, playlist, & him :]

2010-05-31T21:03:00.004+07:00

Hello, people!
So, this post is going to be really random, cause there's actually a lot to tell but I feel really tired, & I was thinking of making this as a video post actually, but since my laptop's speaker is not working, so I gotta delay the idea. Sucks, I know.

LOTS TO TELL.
What first.
OH THIS.

I'm super tired, the cause is not sleeping for, 83 hours! Whoa. This is scary. First it was my self-harm thingy that played around, decided not to sleep & not to eat. & after hours, he told me to eat, so I ate gummy worms, but still I don't feel like sleeping. He then said that people can die from not sleeping for 3 days, & I said I'll prove it. & I made it! After 72 hours from not sleeping, now I'm still alive! Well, it was ended at 10 am actually, but when I thought I'll sleep, something happened so I just can't sleep. Now I'm thinking to catch one.

What next, what next.
Pretty much nothing. Will meet the guys tomorrow, hope for lots of fun since I miss them a lot. & Wall Street are getting on my nerves. Threshold 1 is not as pretty as I thought. It might be easy for those who in it but since I jumped all the way from Waystage 2, this is kinda sucks. & hard. I can hardly understand something from the grammar part :[

& songs recommendation for this week! Or this month prolly!
What I listen the most! Here you go:
* Hey, soul sister - xticklesmilex [train]
* Mr. brightside - the killers
* Sugar, we're goin' down - you me at six [fall out boy]
* Rapture - new young pony club
* Breakeven - the script
* If you were me - lindsay lohan
* You can do better than me - death cab for cutie
* Official girl - cassie
* September - pomplamoose
* I know you know - boyz ii men

K. Its almost 10 again, which means 84 hours. & thats scaryyyyyyyy. I already had some dinner, boothed, & even better, catched up with some news with him :DD <-- this is actually the best part of a whole day. Hop hop hopla catch up with you guys later!

"P.S: Dont forget your promise. And sleep."

2010-05-30T18:03:00.005+07:00

Her ; Him

If only I have other ways to do this self-harm stuff.
I have the best way! Wanna hear?
What?
Don't hurt yourself. In every way.
It's self-harm. You have to harm yourself.
Well they should change the name.
Into?
Maybe 'I have this strange feeling but I don't wanna harm myself.'

P.S: It's been 55 hours. 17 hours to go to prove that someone cannot die from not sleeping for 3 days.
& oh, have a safe flight :]

Hey, soul sister - train -> cathy nguyen & xticklesmilex

2010-05-30T17:19:00.005+07:00

A COVER POST! A COVER POST! WOO - HOO! K, thanks for noticing people. Yes, I deleted my cover - blog since cause there are lots of bad comments hitting. I'm weak, ya kno? So, the the cover clicky is still there but when you click it, it will direct you to my cover posts here! Exciting isn't it? IT IS :D So, what cover that I'll talk about today? I know I got some complaints about me featuring unfamous songs, so now I'll write about... TRAIN! Wait, you guys don't know them still? It's weird. Anyway, thinking about writing about GaGa's Poker Face. One day, readers. One day. Trust me.

For now, its Train's Hey, Soul Sister! The song might be not to famous here in Indonesia but they made great songs! I found them at Tap Tap Revenge, accidentally clicked their name when I wanted to download some new songs. Found the preview interesting, & downloaded two songs, one of it is this, called "Hey, Soul Sister". A fun & catchy song with fun lyrics & will stuck in your mind for days!

So who covered it good? You Tube artists will never let you down ;] One is Cathy Nguyen, under the id lilcdawg. Been seeing her profile for a few months & she created great covers & at this song, he did it with Victor Kim, & it came out really good. Seriously. Checked out her page to found any other cover songs!

& the other one is another talented girl under the name of xticklesmilex. I found her when randomly searched the cover of this songs. She covered many great songs too! & she's so sweet; once I mentioned her in a tweet saying she did a great job & she replied :]

Hey, soul sister - train
Hey, soul sister - cathy nguyen & victor kim
Hey, soul sister - xticklesmilex

I'm nothing but a silly drama queen.

2010-05-28T23:38:00.003+07:00

I know. Thanks a lot :]

22:58 - 23:18

2010-05-28T22:52:00.004+07:00

Halo reader, 22:58 waktu Indonesia bagian barat. Saya berkeinginan untuk terus terjaga sampai pukul 5 pagi dengan sebuah misi super penting. Mengejar rerun Psych. Saya tahu saya sangat jenius.

Anyway, ada apa dengan hidup akhir-akhir ini?
Berantakan sepertinya. Tapi bagus kok jadinya.

Saya sedang berusaha untuk menata hidup dari awal. Di susun seperti buku-buku perpustakaan, sesuai dengan alphabet dan timelinenya masing-masing. Semua dimasukkan dalam folder masing-masing sesuai konten dan kepentingannya. Biar lain kali saat saya butuh, bisa gampang dilihat lagi.

Saya juga baru saja menyelesaikan tabel mimpi saya dari awal lagi. Tabel mimpi yang awalnya saya buat saat, J masih ada. Terpaksa saya buat lagi semua tabel mimpinya. Saya menambahkan satu elemen terpenting dari semua tabel ini: menghabiskan hidup di Sydney setelah selesai menyelesaikan kewajiban tertentu di sini. Kenapa Sydney? Karena, J mungkin.

Inti utamanya, saya sedang berusaha merubah hidup saya ke arah yang lebih baik :]

This used to be my fave song.

2010-05-28T22:31:00.005+07:00

// I believed all the things that you said I believed in you / but if you were me / would you push you? / or would you turn the other cheek and forgive you / would you cry out? / would you break down? / or would you wait for karma to come around? / would you give up? / would it be enough to make you never ever wanna be in love / what would you do? what would you do? / if you were me would it be through? //
- if you were me, lindsay lohan

Dear Jake, I...

2010-05-27T22:51:00.001+07:00

1. I miss you. Heck yeah you should have known.
2. I need to give someone a 'what are we.'
3. I don't think he'll respond to that.
4. I miss you. Did I say that already?
5. I rebuilt my life dreams.
6. I added Sydney. Because of you.
7. I cried yesterday.
8. I hate that it wasn't because of you.
9. I miss you. I mean Shac does.
10. I was wondering if you could be alive.
11. I suddenly realized that it was silly.
12. I hate Shac for being super sneaky.
13. I need us to catch up.
14. I need a night phone call.
15. I think I'm pretty much single right now.

Waystage 2 -> Threshold 1. Whoa.

2010-05-25T16:21:00.001+07:00

Haven't been writing for few days, lots to tell but don't know where to start. Most of the post just love the draft so much they won't let me publish em. Just a few quick recap for these few days, let's see..

Had swollen eyes this morning. I found it hard for me to have them especially for boys (just once of a lifetime), & now its twice. This is super horrible. Things went the other way whenever I expect for something. Well, nuff said. The thing is, you, yeah you know you made me cry last night, I just need you to tell me should I stay or should I go cause you, are an unpredictable dude. Seriously. Please.

On the goodnews collumn!
No, I haven't found any new guy. Yet.
This is better. Well, I joined WallStreet about a month ago since my english sucks, got accepted in Waystage 2 level. Reeeally low, I know. Quity got me down a little bit, knowing that I'm not as smart as I thought I am. But, my mom idk why pushed me to do the level check cause somehow she knew I could do better. So I did it this afternoon & guess what? New higher level, people!

& its not just a new level, & I jumped for about 5 levels!! From Waystage 2 to Threshold 1!! Woo hoo!! What was I thinking when I fill the replacement test? D'oh. They said this is a massive jump, like the highest jump they ever did. Whoa.

Full of happiness & smiles!
Peace from all the unstable kids of all over the world.
Cheers & tears,
Perdana Computeria :]

J & UMB :o

2010-05-22T18:28:00.000+07:00

I didn't write for few days cause I suddenly lost my attention to writing, yet inspiration won't come, especially after I froze even more posts about him. The fact that I'm writing this by my phone during my way to SMA 22 Jakarta Timur for my UMB, simply tells that I might be good at writing in short time & underpressure. Let's see.

I didn't really know what to write but J, still, since today is UMB & I kinda need some supports like so badly. At the last test, SIMAK, J was there all night, telling me to calm down & not think to much about it. He convinced me that I can for billions of times (eventou in the end I didn't make it), & that is exactly what I really need right now. I don't have anyone to support me that bad but him, & that's why I feel like I can't do this, eventou I know I can't.

At times like these, I only wish you were back alive. Which is silly.

But its funny when I realized that my seems-impossible-but-maybe-I-could-pull-it-off dreams, that I planned cause I know, I mean I thought, J will be there to support me & tell me that there's nothing that I can't do. Except talking to Sanjaya Malakar.

That one was a joke. But I do want to. Look how easily I lose my point.

I just wish that I could find my other J. Like, that easily bump into another J. Let's start with Jughead Jones, shall we? (Ah now I want him to be real more that I want Eguchi Tappei to).

Cheers & tears,
Perdana Computeria :]

P.S: decided not to talk about you. Like it could change a thing :] I know.

SHAKE IT - Metro Station -> Zanyclo

2010-05-20T11:33:00.002+07:00

(Copied from my old cover blog :] )

What could be better that the cover versions of your favorite band's song? METRO STATION! Been the big fan (even one of their songs, Kelsey, is my all time fave), & the song that I'll talk about right now is catchy. Well, people say its an annoying song, but its annoyingly GOOD. Seriously. It will stuck in your mind for weeks :]

Cover tips #063: look for some talents at YouTube. I usually browse some cover songs via YouTube cause they'll be people with HUGE talent, posting their own cover version! Some of them are even better than those that recorded in a studio. Like this one that I found, belongs to ZanyClo (browse through her YouTube account, you'll find MOREEE dazzling covers!)

Shake it - Metro Station
Shake it - Zanyclo

COBRASTYLE - Teddybears Sthlm -> Robyn

2010-05-20T11:22:00.001+07:00

(Copied from my old cover blog :] )

Have you guys watched Date Night yet?

Date Night trailer

I won't review the film since that's not what I do, but gotta tell you it has LOTS of good soundtracks. One of it that catch my ear was at the car scene, I thought I know the song, & turned out to be I really did!

I know the song first from Robyn, been a fave one for quite some times, then after I found the original one from Teddybears Sthlm in the movie. I fell in love more with the original! Its not that its a bad cover (its a really fun song & potentially become that annoying-but-stuck song), but when you hear the original, it sounds way better! Its recommended. Totally :]

Cobrastyle - teddybears sthlm
Cobrastyle - robyn

JUGHEAD JONES.

2010-05-18T21:32:00.004+07:00

Decided to freeze, a.k.a save my last post as a draft. Idk why, I just feel like this isn't the time. Don't really know what to post but, I met my guys this afternoon & it's about time, missing them much. Spent some times at school, got a news from Dimas about his accident, double accident infact, & then they went to my home for lunch, too bad Dimas didn't join us. Had a great time with the guys as always, good enough to erased the current pain.

In the meantime,
Hello Gorgeous! ;]

Forsythe Pendleton Jones III
a.k.a
Jughead Jones; my new hearthrob :]

Peace from all of the unstable kids.
Cheers & tears,

P.S: "Wah, kalian nanti jauh-jauh dong ya, Rendi di Purwekerto, Cindy di Bandung, Satria di Depok, pada pisah bertiga." -Bu Ida, this afternoon. Me went silent in second.

I read a card for myself this evening, and..

2010-05-16T20:28:00.002+07:00

"The Moon reveals a crisis of faith as you examine your deeper feelings about your lover. You may avoid discussing a painful issue because you know that doing so could spell the end of your relationship. Sharpen your instincts & exhume a hurt or grievance, rather than feed it with worry."

My cards are lying. My cards are lying.
But they never did.

I miss my Jakey.

2010-05-14T14:01:00.004+07:00

I miss Jakey.

I dont know what else to write but that. I really do miss my Jakey. Behind all the other things. I mean, I stood still back there because Jake was there, everynight, with Kelsey, & listened to all my stories. Everything seemed perfect.

Now Jake's gone. I miss him.
I miss his laugh. I miss the why he called me 'Josh'. I miss the way he held a few seconds just to say 'I love you'. I miss the way he called me babe. I miss the way he sang my fave song ever at every single night of our phonecalls.

I never tired of hearing Kelsey. Now & then. It's my fave song. & my he sang it every single night for me. The best cover versions ever, in the entire world.
I don't have any idea which one is the right one; i love the song because of him, or i love him because of the song.

I know this sounds super cheesy, but half of my life DID die when he died. I stood still back there. Because he WAS there. Like right now, he wasn't there, at all. Anymore.

Then what is worth living for right now?

whtthfckswrngwthm.
I miss you, J. Its been like, days. More than a week. Can we just catch up?

Cheers & tears,