They say you should never listen to what you tell yourself at night.
I dont really know if that applies to right now, as it is currently 02:49 in the morning and I believe its not so much of a night anymore, despite the dark sky outside my window. But I still believe that still, I'm not supposed to listen to what I'm saying at this particular moment.
Its Eid al-Fitr today, and its been different from the past few years. I have to do things a bit differently and that leaves a big hole in my chest. Is it really how it actually feel? Does realization finally hit me hard in the head?
I didnt really came to any realization until I went out of my room and found out how quite it was, its almost creepy, despite it being really early in the monring yet not early that the sun hasnt shine. Well then, I finally realized this will hurt like a bitch. And it did.
I've never actually thought of it this year. On how much effects this will bring, and how it will affect me as well. I thought this was a good idea, and it is, still up until now. But no one ever told me it will be this hard. No one ever told me it will hurt this bad. This sucks in so many level.
I lost count on how much I've hold the tears up to even crying today. Its really unbearable.
Everything is just messed up and theres no turning back.
What makes things worse is that I know nothing else goes right as well. None. Not even one of them go with how I wanted it to be. I know I've failed in all aspects and I want just for at least one tiny little thing to go my way.
But life doesnt work that way.
At this point I've also realized I've lost so many people. The people that can hold me or at least get my attention off of this whole thing for a while so I can finally breathe. But then again, I'm good at losing good people.
I cant sleep. I cant stop crying.
Eid Mubarak, y'all.